Identity

Back when I was a child, I had two things that affected me in overwhelming ways -- epilepsy and gender dysphoria. I believed because of both of these, that I was not an OK person -- I thought that deep down inside of me was a monster, just waiting to get out.

Like other children I had to depend on my family for my support and needs, but could not express those needs because I thought that being a monster, these were not OK. I developed a coping strategy of denying myself, and pretending to be who I thought other people wanted me to be. I became a chameleon.

I still had my hopes and desires, but the ones that really mattered, I hid deep within myself...

...and this was easy to do. I started to feel hollow inside myself -- it was the beginnings of an emotional void that would plague me when an adult. I filled this void with things outside of myself (all of which were "quick fixes"or "magic bullets") whether it was other people, organizations, my workplace, or Fandom, it's always ultimately failed.

I developed what was an addictive way of using these things. When the initial joy started to fade, I just tried "bigger fixes" of the same. But like other addictions, the rate of emotional return drops to negative, but you still use. In these cases it was other people. I attempted to control the supply of my "highs" by trying to manipulate others, or by being the person I thought they wanted me to be. Or at least I tried, but you can't control other people's emotions, so your source of self-esteem is doomed.

All the while though I was denying all these unpleasant truths -- holding onto misery because the alternative was unknown.

But there comes a point when the pain of what is, exceeds the imagined pain of change. Then you start to change. I reached that point back in 1994, and the result was my beginning gender transition. This has been easy to do, because the person I used to front as (the persona) was such a fake, and it was a relief not to pretend any more, to start being me.

But I'd spent so much time being somebody else for everybody else that it was hard to know just who that was any more. I still felt the void inside of me, and I filled parts of that void by concentrating on my work and legal reform ("the cause"). Once the reforms were initiated, and the work I did changed, I was still left with the void.

I needed help to sort this out. I went to Sydney looking for some, and I guess I was also on a "vision quest"to see where I was headed in my life. Just "being"wasn't enough. Transition itself was never a goal, but a means to an end. That end was becoming the person I knew I was.

It took three to four months, and in that time I was pushed to the edge several times and suicidal three times. But I got my vision. I knew where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do with my life.

The result was my moving from Perth to Newcastle on the other side of Australia, and in doing so leaving all my old friends, relatives and groups behind. It meant applying for and then studying Visual Arts at the local University.

This has been a good move for me. I really do enjoy being creative and artistic. And being a student is fun.

Now this is only the start. As I write, I'm in the process of buying a house in the Hunter valley -- I'm ready to settle down a bit, to grow roots. This is not just for some phoney security, but to give me space to find myself. I've already made a start -- I've tackled gender, sexuality, and religion, but there's a long way to go yet. Most of the details are only sketched in, and time and experience will fill in the rest. My objective is to fill in that void in my personality with ME.

Co-dependency

This is where you place your sense of self-worth and happiness in the hands of others. You do this because you do not have faith in yourself or believe yourself to be OK. I experienced this sense of worthlessness when I was young. I felt that I was a monster and that the only way I could redeem myself was by doing what those around me wanted. This was doomed to failure because I couldn't read minds and know what they wanted. And even if I had, fulfilling other peoples wants all the time is an exhaustive process.

In the process of attempting this, I because a Chameleon, adapting myself to each person around me, Ask what was important to me, or who I was, and I couldn't tell you, because I didn't know. part of the process is attempting to control other people, in order to secure a reliable source of happiness. This doesn't work either.

The time came when, instead of running from the central issues of my life, I stood my ground. It was as painful as anything that I could do. It took time, and I started with one issue at a time, beginning with my gender dysphoria. The overall effect was that I finally realized that I could stand the pain within -- it didn't destroy me. And once I could do that, I could own the pain, make it my own and start defining my own identity. It's a tough and painful process, but the rewards are great.

I also had help. I went to an organization called HolyOake that dealt with dependencies and addictions. Later I started going to co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) groups.

Sex & Love Addiction

This is just as insidious a behaviour pattern. Whereas Co-dependency is a general pattern of interaction with other people, S&LA is specifically about your sexual and love relationships. It is a pattern of behaviour based on the concept that you are only valid or whole as a person if you have sex or have a relationship with someone (Mr or Ms Right). Because of this, pursuing sexual intercourse or partners becomes an obsessive and destructive mode of behaviour.

I was a Sex & Love addict for years without knowing it. I was desperate to lose my virginity because I believed that it would prove that I was a man. But I was also scared of doing so, just in case it didn't. I finally lost it (for the first time) when I was 26. My fears were justified, because the world didn't change and I didn't become a "better person". Instead I had a nervous breakdown. In the years that followed I found ways to distance myself from the possibility of sexual intimacy. This worked until I finally had stable relationships.

Then the love addiction kicked in and things were just as bad. I thought I'd beaten this once I started my gender transition, but I just fell into another trap. When I first came to Sydney I found enormous peer pressure from other Girls in the community on two things: getting laid by a man, and getting the operation. Both were perceived as "validating" you as a woman. Like a sucker, I bought those lines.

The same pattern recurred. I was desperate to get laid, and never did. This was not for want of trying or opportunity (on one occasion I was picked up within 5 minutes of entering the Taxi Club), but because deep down I was scared shitless.

It wasn't until I came back to Perth that I stopped chasing sex. I met a Girl I hadn't seen in over two years. She had been starting her own transition back then. When I met her a second time she was enthusiastic about the change and ecstatic and having concurrent sexual relations with three men. I was devastated on hearing this, because it was the one thing that I thought I'd wanted.

Later, after a lot of crying, I realized the absurdity of it all. I didn't even like her. What did I really care? A woman (or a man for that matter) is NOT defined by their genitals or who they like to have sex with (including no one at all). I dried my tears, and got on with my life (with a little help from my friends).

12 Step Groups

I go to what are called "twelve step groups". The traditions of these groups are such that most publicity is at an anonymous level. And yet, how can I do this on the net? So I'm talking about it anyway, because to read this you have to get to the bottom of one web page in millions, and one of several of my own. That seems pretty anonymous to me!

I find going to twelve step groups enormously helpful. All these emotional diseases seem to me to be ones of communication. I allow ideas to worry me by not talking about them. Recently I've joined an on-line pagan 12 step group, and this is helping too.

If I can talk to others about these, then they seem to get put into perspective. And the emotions behind them can be put to rest, rather than resisted, retained, and becoming obsessive. The difference with Twelve Step groups is that this talking is formalized in such a way that the other people there don't give you advice, don't back chat, and don't judge you for what you say. That's the key you see.

If you say to someone "I had a bad day" and they say back "Cheer up mate, don't be unhappy", then in a way that's not normally apparent, they're discounting you and your emotions. It's all about loving yourself. It's OK to feel rotten, to feel like shit, because it's all feeling. This is something I've learned when dealing with my inner child. Deny feeling (which I did for years) and who knows where you end up? Not somewhere I want to go anyway.

The Higher Power

One concept in a 12 step group is that of a "Higher Power". The higher power represents that which in life which is outside of ourselves, and which can help and direct our lives towards a fulfilling state.

Now this concept of a higher power is normally translated as referring to the Christian God. This was not the case for me. As I developed myself further I came closer and closer to realising my pagan self. My work with my inner child had revealed many deficiencies. And it became obvious to me who my higher power was -- The Goddess.

The Goddess exists as a primal force in the universe, but she also exists as part of me. Thus, I could have an outer power acting on my behalf and at the same time have trust in that power because She was also part of me. When I make magic, it is by connecting with both myself and The Goddess; by knowing what I really need and asking for it. And in return I get what I do need...

And this fits well with my belief in fate and destiny. The Goddess is part of my soul and also part of the "hand of fate". Thus, by letting go and letting the Goddess, I come closer to being more fulfilled.

Where does The God fit into all of this? Well, as this point in my life I need to distance myself from that source. I acknowledge that I have both male and female in me (everyone does, not just transsexual folk) but right now my growth relies on my nurturing and developing my feminine side. When I need it, I can approach Him thru the Unity Church, at a safe distance. This might not sound like the "usual" pagan source for The God, but it works for me.

Pagan Prayers for Recovery

Iris, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Cybele, show me the courage to change the things I can,
and Hecate, give me the wisdom to know the difference....
(based on the serenity prayer)

and

The Light of the Goddess surrounds me,
The Power of the Goddess protects me,
The Love of the Goddess enfolds me,
The Presence of the Goddess watches over me,
Where I am, the Goddess is.
Thank you Goddess.
(based on a Unity Prayer)