I put off this contemplation - I had to - it was hard for me to get to my PC, as a have a new boarder.
This has created a number of (hopefully) short term disruptions and difficulties (for example, I just discovered that due to a failed upgrade to Win 2000 by my boarder, all my Internet bookmarks are gone) After five years of living by my own this is understandable. The main thing is in making an adjustment, and an equitable one at that. I'll come back to this later.
So, what's my focus this for Beltaine this time around? Beltaine is all about sexuality, fertility, growth, and change. And all that (minus the sexuality) is right where I am just now.
I'm at the end of one cycle in my life, and starting another. Kevin (my boarder) pointed this out to me a while ago. I mentioned to him that I considered my gender transition to start on 30th September 1996 (the date my change-of-name came through). We met just at the start of October this year, so that period is roughly a twelve year cycle. And there are lots of things that conform with this idea.
Last week saw the (finally) the opening of the honours exhibition where my work "A Trans Tarot Deck" was (and currently still is) displayed. The work features an allegorical major arcana of 23 cards (it has two death cards: suicide and murder), each poster size and depicting an aspect of gender transition. Most of this I mentioned in my last contemplation. This time however, the work was not only completed, but up! The research paper was completed and assessment of my honours work will take place soon.
And I'm not worried at all.
I've stuck to my vision, and the result was exactly what I wanted. At the opening I received many favourable comments about the work. For me this has always been a work about myself, and people like me; but it has also been a religious work as well, reflecting my beliefs as a Gallae of Cybele, the Magna mater (and yes, She's in the deck as well, the equivalent of the Strength / Fortitude card).
And with the completion of my Honours this year, another cycle is ending. Not that I won't be doing my Masters or beyond, but university and education has been a big focus in my life since 1997, when I started my bachelor's in Visual Arts. But I feel my artistic training (for better or worse) is complete, and anything further will be for different reasons and purposes.
Next year my focus and intent will be different. I hope to exhibit my work in Sydney and Melbourne, and there seems to be a demand for an actual deck based on it (A5 size, probably). I need to look to my home and household, repairing and restoring parts of that (e.g fixing the gutters) and starting to transform my backyard to the way I know it can be (including founding a Maetreum, or Temple to Cybele). Mother is sending me hints that it's time to return to work, to get employment.
The idea of re-entering the workforce scares me. I was a public servant for almost 20 years and I swore blue when I left that I'd never have another 9-5 weekday mediocre "job". But that still leaves a lot of possibilities, such as part-time and casual work. My ideal would be doing more than one thing, and having enough time at home to focus on my pets and projects. There's more artworks to come, and at least two books in me, but they all take time and money to create. And I won't have that merely by subsisting on a disability allowance, boarder notwithstanding.
I'm trained as a library technician, and though that training is now two years out of date, I also know that it's work I enjoy. Applying for work however scares the shit out of me, as it always feels like I'm being judged, which I am. My last attempt a professional Tarot reading met with mixed results - it was successful last year (when it was fun) and dried up this year (when I started relying on it). I have other skills and ideas that I can pursue, but they need to be carefully explored.
To do any of that easily however means getting another car. I've already said goodbye emotionally the Kushti Rauni, my current car. there's just too much wrong with her for me to fix, and even if I did she would continue to have problems. No, in order to do any of the above, I need a replacement - one that will be economical and reliable, at least for a while. I know now that I can and will do without a car - they are not an absolute necessity here - but making some things happen, I will need a car I can use sometimes, if not all the time.
Having a boarder makes a difference. Kevin is also on a disability allowance due to hyper-mobility and other reasons. It means that extended walking is difficult for him, so having a car makes things easier all round. Apart from that, his presence changes other things too. I'm having to lift my standards as far as housework, and other things go. An unclean and untidy house might be OK for just one depressed person and her pets, but not OK when there's a second person who needs at least a reasonably clean environment to avoid infections.
Early days yet. Kevin is a computer technician, and needs his computers to keep him sane (I think). There's only one in the house, and I have only a dial-up connection too. But this will change. Kevin will recover his computers from Sydney and elsewhere. I'm (using a certain portion of the rent) upgrading to broadband) and we will have a local network here, and I will get a static address and permanent home for my website(s). Early day yet, but for once I have company, and a second hand to make things work, and ease the days.
Of all the things I've missed here being alone, it's been company. Pegasus and the cats are OK, but they can't talk back. There's pros and cons to that of course. Kevin and I have had a number of heated disputes, but part of that is getting to know each other (and learning how to respect the other), and things are still not right, and very hectic here. I've had to focus on finishing my Honours, and been "on the go" almost continuously. We've both had toothaches and had teeth extracted, more or less at the same time (and mine was only half done - the rest comes out on Wednesday)! Last Thursday I broke down over at Jenn's as the pressure was just too much.
None of this makes for easy living, but only just now. The house is gradually getting cleaned, furniture moved and things done. But none of it can be done quickly. Kevin cooks (and cooks very well) and I do the dishes. But the last week I was so stuffed each night that I never got around to it. From this week, it gets done daily. Stuff like this is being resolved, but it all takes time. Life goes on, and I will be through this shortly.
So, that's where I am - at the end of one cycle (my gender transition is now complete), and the start of another. There's all those possibilities out there, and this time around I have definite ideas of what I want and need to do. And that's all about possibilities, a fertility of ideas and potential. What more could I want?