Imbolc 2002

It amazes me just how quickly the time has passed, from Midwinter six weeks ago, to Imbolc, now. And it'd been a loooong six weeks before that. So has anything changed? I still have much the same problems that I had before -- lack of money, computers that break down and a car that's still off the road.

And yet I don't feel half as down and out as I did at Midwinter. Back then the best I could do was acknowledge that I was alive. Not a good spot to be in. And now? Well maybe I'm *not* on top of the world, feeling great with everything, but maybe too I'm no longer skipping along the surface of the pond like a thrown pebble, waiting for the motion to cease and then to sink.

Don't know how long this will last, but I do know I feel better for it. And maybe I'm starting to climb out of a hole that's been a really bad bout of depression. Can't say I did it alone -- in truth I had a lot of help, from friends, from a new GP, from counsellors, and from total strangers even. And sometimes just a little effort, just a little help, makes a big difference.

Some time ago a friend told me that black dog would come off the street to live at my home. At the time I didn't really know what they meant. But now I do. This "black dog" of depression's been "dogging" me for quite some time. Maybe this is the start of obedience training for it. maybe.

You can tell it's spring again. The dry winter here's starting to turn to a warm mushy wetness. The birds are starting sing, some of my ducks are thinking of nesting, and the Jehovah's Witnesses have started to call. There were two of them today, who turned up just as I was about to do some gardening out the back.

"Aren't you worried about the future?" one of them asked. I had to reply that for once I wasn't, that I'd take what comes, and I meant it.

Yesterday I rode my bicycle to the library and post office in Edgeworth, then up to the library at Wallsend (via the tracks through Gretley Colliery) then down to Cardiff for some dog bones and money from the bank. It was a long trip for me because I'm still out of shape, and I felt absolutely buggered by the time I got home. But I felt good too, because I felt I'd made a problem (no car) into a bit of fun (exhausting myself). A small thing I know, but if I can keep going at this rate, I know I'll be OK.

Better to light a candle (no matter how small) than curse the night.