Rainbow's End

Devotees from Malaysia and Singapore fulfil vows to deity for transsexuals

2007-08-01T21:14:34Z

Devotees from Malaysia and Singapore fulfil vows to deity for transsexuals

By WANI MUTHIAH

KLANG: The five-day celebrations dedicated to Goddess Bahuchara Mataji, the Hindu presiding deity for transsexuals, ended yesterday in a ceremony that saw some 400 participants from Malaysia and Singapore at a temple in Pandamaran near here.

The temple, dedicated to the deity whose main temple is in Shankhalpoor in Gujarat, India, is owned and managed by the local Hindu transgender community.

The celebrations began last Thursday with the highlight on the third day when devotees fulfilled vows by carrying pal kudam (milk pots) and thee chatti (earthen pots with fire).

Dressed in green sarees, the official colour for Bahuchara Mataji, the entourage, led by the community’s matriarch M. Asha Devi, 63, carried the pal kudam and thee chatti to the temple.

Two devotees balancing milk pots as they enter the temple at Pandamaran last Saturday.

This was followed by a chariot procession in the evening with Pandamaran assemblyman Datuk Dr The Kim Poo as the event’s special guest.

Asha Devi said preparations for the celebrations began several months ago, as arrangements had to be made to accommodate the devotees.

“Devotees also prepare themselves by fasting for at least three months before carrying the pal kudam and thee chatti,” said Asha Devi, who runs a food outlet in Kuala Lumpur.

According to her, a flag bearing the Goddess’ emblem was raised on the first day followed by an ubayam (special prayers) on the second day.

“The fourth day was also observed with prayers for Mataji. On the final day, which is today, we have special prayers for a male deity known as Veera Vetai Karar Muniandy followed by anathanam (feeding of the masses),” she added.

Meanwhile, S. Komathi, 50, who cooked for the devotees, said this year’s event was special as they were praying hard to obtain a piece of land from the state government to build a proper temple.

“The temple is currently situated in the home of one of our members’ grandmothers. Due to space constraints we cannot do any renovation,” said Komathi who owns a flower shop in Klang.

Komathi said the community badly needed a bigger temple to accommodate the crowd.

“In the past, it was only our community which prayed here but now others are also coming to the temple.”

For K. Janani, 27, who came all the way from Singapore to carry the pal kudam, the event was both fun and colourful.

“I like the festive atmosphere. I have been coming here for the past two years to offer prayers as our community does not have a dedicated temple in Singapore,” Janani added.

Retiring Journal

2007-02-26T09:19:35Z

I've decided to discontinue using this journal. I separated things in several journals a couple of years ago, and it just hasn't worked.

I'll be adding any friends and communities from this journal to
laura_seabrook.

Summer Solstice 2006

2006-12-23T10:51:24Z

It's the day after the 2006 Summer Solstice here in Barnsley, and these are my thoughts.

I write this as I'm still sick with the flu. All I need is a few days rest and I should be fine, but for the last five days I've been out and about for one thing of another. I don't normally buy Xmas gifts, though this year I got one for myself, from money my mother sent me. I'm 49 this year, and my mum still send me money for Xmas - it's an odd thing to think about. Nonetheless it's something to appreciate, and after my father dying earlier this year I appreciate that she's still there.

Anyway, I ended up buying a 1/2 priced "super joystick" for playing with certain arcade games that I recently re-discovered. I used to have a passion for these when I was young, and would spend up to $40 a fortnight in 20c on the things, mostly at a place called Strombeckers on Barrack St in Perth. Strombeckers is gone now, torn down and replaced with part of a hotel - at least it way when I was in Perth for my father's funeral. Just right now I seem to be re-discovering these simple joys. And why not?

Of course in the Southern Hemisphere the Summer Solstice coincides with Xmas, which never quite matches. I read recently that December 25th was originally the official birthday of Sol Invictus - an ancient sun god from the Levant. Constantine, the first of the Roman Emperors to officially tolerate (and also to largely support) Christianity synchronised both the Sun with "the Son" (Jesus) and declared that that start of the week should be the day of the Sun, or "Sunday". I found this out while researching for the current strip at my web comics - Tales of the Galli.

This is set c. 316 AD in Rome. Constantine has just won the battle of the Milvian bridge, and the title characters are members of the temple complex known as the Metro'on, the main temple of Cybele in Rome. I had been waiting to start this strip for a while and really had to wait until I'd finished my Honours course at university. My exhibition of my Trans Tarot Deck was held and I had a generally favourable response. After two years the course is finally complete, and all I do now is await my results.

A funny thing that, as the last four years were all study - first two years of a Library degree, and then 2 years of Honours. Off and on, I've been a student since 1997, and for now that's over. I just have no plans of further study right now. To do my masters I'll need inspiration, energy and an idea. Right now I feel a bit washed out on all three.

This year has been a year of changes and events, and a year where it seems that many things ended for me.

I've travelled to America and Perth, and visited friends in Sydney. It was the year my father finally died, and the year when I didn't struggle to keep my car on the road (officially out of registration now). Over the last two years pets have died or gone. Mutzy and one of the goats next door died last year, and the 2nd goat went this year. Some of the dogs in the street that always bark at Pegasus and myself when we go for a walk, have gone. I gave away my ducks last year, and today it's almost exactly a year. I miss some of them (like old Howard)still, but I couldn't bear the stress of keeping them any longer.

But with some things going, new possibilities came to be. Almost out of the blue I had a boarder. He's still here after 3 months, and we seem to be getting on together much better now - perhaps we've started to define our boundaries. With my board came the financial ability to (finally) afford broadband, and with it a new e-mail address. I'm still a member of Hunter Apana (for now), but what a difference (now we each have a working computer) it is to have Internet access at any time, without using my regular phone link, and to have relatively quick access.

Luxuries of course, but one which (for now) I can afford. And with the Summer Solstice, my thoughts go towards the result, the crop, the dividend of ones efforts or experiences, of what (relatively) for me is the "good life". For the most part in the last three months, I've been able to pay my bills, and still have money left over for other things. Some of this has gone on computer stuff, like broadband and new graphics cards, and the net effect is to make my use of the computer easier, happier, and more productive.

There are other things to consider of course - I need my lawnmower either replaced or repaired, and the gutters and other parts of the house need fixing. But maybe these can now be saved for. Maybe. And maybe in one way or another I might get a replacement vehicle. the other week I saw the Rauni's twin sitting in a used car lot. It's in much better condition, and would be mine for $1500, though just now I can't afford that. But for now I'm surviving without it.

Still, next year I hope will bring new ideas and challenges. I need to start several projects that have been on hold for the last four years. One or two books for example. And maybe, if I can swing it, some form of employment. We'll see what comes, for that will be the start of a new cycle for me.

So this time around, I'm not feeling as lonely as I have in previous years, not so desperate financially, not so isolated. In fact this time around I might even enjoy myself!

It's nice to have that feeling.

Beltaine 2006 Contemplation

2006-11-05T01:46:10Z

I put off this contemplation - I had to - it was hard for me to get to my PC, as a have a new boarder.

This has created a number of (hopefully) short term disruptions and difficulties (for example, I just discovered that due to a failed upgrade to Win 2000 by my boarder, all my Internet bookmarks are gone) After five years of living by my own this is understandable. The main thing is in making an adjustment, and an equitable one at that. I'll come back to this later.

So, what's my focus this for Beltaine this time around? Beltaine is all about sexuality, fertility, growth, and change. And all that (minus the sexuality) is right where I am just now.

I'm at the end of one cycle in my life, and starting another. Kevin (my boarder) pointed this out to me a while ago. I mentioned to him that I considered my gender transition to start on 30th September 1996 (the date my change-of-name came through). We met just at the start of October this year, so that period is roughly a twelve year cycle. And there are lots of things that conform with this idea.

Last week saw the (finally) the opening of the honours exhibition where my work "A Trans Tarot Deck" was (and currently still is) displayed. The work features an allegorical major arcana of 23 cards (it has two death cards: suicide and murder), each poster size and depicting an aspect of gender transition. Most of this I mentioned in my last contemplation. This time however, the work was not only completed, but up! The research paper was completed and assessment of my honours work will take place soon.

And I'm not worried at all.

I've stuck to my vision, and the result was exactly what I wanted. At the opening I received many favourable comments about the work. For me this has always been a work about myself, and people like me; but it has also been a religious work as well, reflecting my beliefs as a Gallae of Cybele, the Magna mater (and yes, She's in the deck as well, the equivalent of the Strength / Fortitude card).

And with the completion of my Honours this year, another cycle is ending. Not that I won't be doing my Masters or beyond, but university and education has been a big focus in my life since 1997, when I started my bachelor's in Visual Arts. But I feel my artistic training (for better or worse) is complete, and anything further will be for different reasons and purposes.

Next year my focus and intent will be different. I hope to exhibit my work in Sydney and Melbourne, and there seems to be a demand for an actual deck based on it (A5 size, probably). I need to look to my home and household, repairing and restoring parts of that (e.g fixing the gutters) and starting to transform my backyard to the way I know it can be (including founding a Maetreum, or Temple to Cybele). Mother is sending me hints that it's time to return to work, to get employment.

The idea of re-entering the workforce scares me. I was a public servant for almost 20 years and I swore blue when I left that I'd never have another 9-5 weekday mediocre "job". But that still leaves a lot of possibilities, such as part-time and casual work. My ideal would be doing more than one thing, and having enough time at home to focus on my pets and projects. There's more artworks to come, and at least two books in me, but they all take time and money to create. And I won't have that merely by subsisting on a disability allowance, boarder notwithstanding.

I'm trained as a library technician, and though that training is now two years out of date, I also know that it's work I enjoy. Applying for work however scares the shit out of me, as it always feels like I'm being judged, which I am. My last attempt a professional Tarot reading met with mixed results - it was successful last year (when it was fun) and dried up this year (when I started relying on it). I have other skills and ideas that I can pursue, but they need to be carefully explored.

To do any of that easily however means getting another car. I've already said goodbye emotionally the Kushti Rauni, my current car. there's just too much wrong with her for me to fix, and even if I did she would continue to have problems. No, in order to do any of the above, I need a replacement - one that will be economical and reliable, at least for a while. I know now that I can and will do without a car - they are not an absolute necessity here - but making some things happen, I will need a car I can use sometimes, if not all the time.

Having a boarder makes a difference. Kevin is also on a disability allowance due to hyper-mobility and other reasons. It means that extended walking is difficult for him, so having a car makes things easier all round. Apart from that, his presence changes other things too. I'm having to lift my standards as far as housework, and other things go. An unclean and untidy house might be OK for just one depressed person and her pets, but not OK when there's a second person who needs at least a reasonably clean environment to avoid infections.

Early days yet. Kevin is a computer technician, and needs his computers to keep him sane (I think). There's only one in the house, and I have only a dial-up connection too. But this will change. Kevin will recover his computers from Sydney and elsewhere. I'm (using a certain portion of the rent) upgrading to broadband) and we will have a local network here, and I will get a static address and permanent home for my website(s). Early day yet, but for once I have company, and a second hand to make things work, and ease the days.

Of all the things I've missed here being alone, it's been company. Pegasus and the cats are OK, but they can't talk back. There's pros and cons to that of course. Kevin and I have had a number of heated disputes, but part of that is getting to know each other (and learning how to respect the other), and things are still not right, and very hectic here. I've had to focus on finishing my Honours, and been "on the go" almost continuously. We've both had toothaches and had teeth extracted, more or less at the same time (and mine was only half done - the rest comes out on Wednesday)! Last Thursday I broke down over at Jenn's as the pressure was just too much.

None of this makes for easy living, but only just now. The house is gradually getting cleaned, furniture moved and things done. But none of it can be done quickly. Kevin cooks (and cooks very well) and I do the dishes. But the last week I was so stuffed each night that I never got around to it. From this week, it gets done daily. Stuff like this is being resolved, but it all takes time. Life goes on, and I will be through this shortly.

So, that's where I am - at the end of one cycle (my gender transition is now complete), and the start of another. There's all those possibilities out there, and this time around I have definite ideas of what I want and need to do. And that's all about possibilities, a fertility of ideas and potential. What more could I want?

Belated Spring Equinox Musings

2006-09-29T14:19:50Z

The Spring Equinox was last Thursday, and normally I'd post my contemplations on or soon after that date, but my net server has been down until today (the following Friday). As it happens, this was a good thing.

Last Thursday I was not in a good state. For the last 21 months I've been working on my Honours project - A Trans Tarot Deck. This was a way of focussing on aspects of "gender transition" by using the major arcana as an allegorical platform to do so. The "cards" themselves measure 52 x 74 cm each and together form a coherent whole (see the Trans Tarot Deck page at my Web Comics site). As a trans woman, a tarot reader, and a Gallae of Cybele I knew that this was the right project for me to do.

But last Thursday I'd been working on a 23rd card of a 22 card set. That extra card was a second death card - the first one showed a suicide - the extra card showed murdered victims of trans hate crimes. But, before putting any of the images on the card, I had to research the people whose images was borrowing. And more I did so, the more sorrow I felt over the shootings, beating, strangulations, burnings and even torture of these people.

Not a good way to spend the Spring Equinox, perhaps.

Traditionally the Equinox is associated with awakenings, strong growth, resurgence and resurrection, transformations and different forms of fertility. And death and murder isn't something one immediately thinks of when one thinks of the Equinox. And yet, it is oddly appropriate.

I consider A Trans Tarot Deck to be my first "serious" Art Project. I've created various artworks before, but this time I've achieved exactly what I wanted, to a desired quality and effect. As I write this, the final cards have been printed, and though I still have much to do (mount the digital prints and exhibit them) the main part of this project has been completed. And yet it wouldn't have been possible without various forms of death playing a part.

Earlier this year I travelled to the Maetreum of Cybele in upstate New York to participate with other Gallae in the "Festival of the Tree". This is a revived ancient ritual reflecting the myth of Cybele and Attis, of Attis's death and resurrection and subsequent transformation. At the festival I was asked for what I wanted from it. My answer was "ego death and rebirth" and that was exactly what I got.

At the concluding ritual (and energy raising circle) I was struck by Mother's Hand and collapsed in a form of religious ecstasy. I recovered and returned home, and shortly afterwards fell into deep depression! While the festival had been great, my problems remained when I returned. But this time rather than wallow in them, I contemplated each in turn, and in doing so reached a calm and equilibrium that I have seldom felt. It gave me renewed strength and determination, especially in the pursuit of the project.

That was death number one - an "ego death" (and rebirth as a stronger person) for me. The second death was that of my Father, who died in August, just after he'd been counted in the Census. I was upset, but after spending six years in slow decline in a nursing home after a double stroke on his birthday, death was a release for my father.

Flying back to Perth for the funeral, I had a mixed experience. While I was sad and upset about his passing, I met relatives whom I'd not seen for years (including a favourite niece). And I had confirmation of something I'd known since last year when I went to Perth for a student conference. While I'd lived there for most of 30 years, I'd moved on from Perth for good. Almost all my relatives live there, but my home was (and is) here in the Hunter valley, where I'd settled in 1996. And Perth provided another opportunity. A good friend of my mother's, and a good friend of mine, financed the printing of my cards.

I'd been pretty much broke since February and subsisting on a disability allowance meant that I was unlikely to save much with which to print them the way I wanted to. And yet here I was able to, through the love and kindness of a family friend. Odd too, that I'd flown to America and back, to Perth and back, while broke. But any number of things are possible if one stops looking at the obstacles and starts seeing the possibilities. Unusually, it seemed to fit a new pattern that I seem to be creating in my life.

At some point I became centred and stopped (for the most part) worrying about my problems. Not that they disappeared, but I stopped using my "analytical mind" at the expense of "symbolic side". I stopped doing too many things each day, starting taking 'time out' for myself at my own speed. Sometimes that means just staying home and sitting out the back, reading and playing with my pets, and maybe just listening to the radio, or just the sounds of the birds and other animals that roam the Barnsley bush. Sometimes it means purposeful trips to the uni, or shopping, or whatever.

But the funny thing has been, that by doing less each day, I seem to be getting more done overall. And when problems come along that I can't "fix" by using my critical faculties, I seem to be more able to let pride go, and say "I don't know the answer". And here's the thing, because having done that, it's much easier to ask for help, from either temporal or divine sources. And, and it comes!

I even came across a book that described this very process - Slowing Down to the Speed of Life. I read this and realised that I was already doing what it suggested!

And the final death related to rebirth is that of my car, the Rauni. Ever since I converted her to LP Gas I've had nothing but trouble in one form or another. The last four years have been increasingly difficult for me to keep her legally on the road. I've borrowed, scrounged, and jumped through hoops to do so. I've used magic to keep her going or undetected when she shouldn't have been. But this year, I'm letting her go.

The issue was decided for me earlier this year when the engine head cracked and shortly afterwards I had a minor accident which forced me to get a Centrelink advance to pay for panel beating repairs on the other car. There was no way I could afford to get a new engine and pay for insurance this time around. At first I resisted, because I though that I absolutely had to have a car in order to survive in this "bush suburb".

But I was wrong. It wasn't so much having a car that I was sold on, but what having a car gave me. And mostly that is convenience - the ability to go places at whim at any time. You can't do that on public transport - you have plan ahead, and then there are limits. But mostly it just means that you take longer to get anywhere on a bus, train or ferry, than you do in a car. Then I discovered that the local bus company issued and accepted "pensioner excursion" tickets. For $2.50 I can go anywhere in the metro area on public transport, including a return trip to Sydney and back (250km round trip)!

I tried it. I didn't have to worry about traffic, I could sit and watch the scenery, or watch/listen to the other passengers, or read a book while in transit. Can't do that easily while driving a car. As someone who'd been epileptic, it'd been important for me to get my driver's license, but that's long ago now. I started (often) to enjoy travelling on the buses. Most of the people who used the local bus service were regulars, and the bus drivers know them, and know (more or less) each other.

And I started talking (and listening) to people while on the bus. It brought me out of myself. So, although my car is slowly dying, her death is forcing me to be social, and I'm actually enjoying it. In fact, once I accepted that I had to let the car go, a whole wall of tension and fear vanished.

So I guess this time around this Spring Equinox for me is about death and rebirth. My ego death (and eventual centring) earlier in the year; my father's death and the unexpected enabling of my project; the (ongoing) death of my car and my embracing other means of getting around and its side effects, are all in the mix. Death and life, hand in hand, all part of a cycle.

Don't know what's to come from this, but I'm no longer afraid of the future, and am ready to accept Mother's guidance, whatever that may be.

The Murder Card

2006-09-27T02:40:40Z

At right is the final card for my TRANS TAROT DECK. This is a second Death card - Death (Murder). It shows various victims of HATE CRIMES against trans folk (the blank figure was a trans woman who was burnt to death by a mob in Iraq last year). The exhbition version of this will have a legend with the names of the dead on it.
With this, my deck is now complete.

Almost Completed Deck

2006-09-21T06:08:34Z

I have (almost) finished my Trans Tarot Deck. Below are samples of all of the cards printed (at 52x74 cm each), including an exhibition title card. Click on each thumbnail for a larger version.

Image Sharing with PicTiger

The remaining card to be done is an extra card - a second version of the Death card. The existing card shows a suicide, whereas the extra card will show victims of murder. I wasn"t originally going to do this, but the murder of a homeless trans person in Portugal in February of this year has so outraged me that I feel such a card is necessary. For those curious/outraged about such murders, please browse the day of Remembrance.

Of course, I still have much to do. Each card needs to be mounted, and an initial exhibition (for my "Honours") staged.

Pagan Pride Day

2006-09-10T22:36:23Z

I just came across The Pagan Pride Project (which was mentioned on an Australian mailing list) which seems to be based in North America. They also organise something called Pagan Pride Day (August 12 to October 22!) [sic].

Click on the image below to find a local pagan event in your area...

Cybele and Motivation Cards

2006-09-08T10:31:25Z

I coloured two more cards for my Trans tarot Deck today - they are:

Free Image Gallery with PicTiger

I think that the Motivation card is just right, but that the Cybele card needs some work (mostly the background). We'll see.

Imbolc 2006

2006-08-01T12:10:54Z

It's Imbolc today and I ought to post something, but I think the posts I made in Hypergraphia today speak for themselves, about where I'm at right now.

Imbolc for me is...

(for once)

...optimistic

Queer Pagan Flag (Australia)

2006-07-28T12:30:20Z

Earlier this year I marched in the "Bi Bacchanalia" contingent of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade. Each year the "Mardi gras" parade through central Sydney to helps end a month's festival of queer culture. There are parade entries of all sorts, hi-lighting gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans and other queer groups, themes, issues and subcultures. The bisexual entry this year was the "Bi Bacchanalia", a truck and marching group based on neo-pagan themes.

I found this a good opportunity to wave a flag of my own design around. It was one that I'd created for my Bachelor's in Visual Arts, and combined a black five pointed star within a rainbow circle, surrounded by a black field. The original version also included a transgender symbol of a white "Athena symbol" (indicating modified body + feminine spirit). As I'm a bisexual transsexual woman (a Gallae of Cybele), I thought the addition appropriate.

That flag was created out of vinyl, and so was impractical to use in any march. I recreated the flag using cotton and rayon, and deleted the trans symbol, since there were only two trans people in the group. My flagpole was a spare core of a fabric role, held on by Velcro tabs.

It was good fun, and a good march, but the reason I'm posting this to offer up the flag for use in similar "pride marches" by Queer Pagans (see flag below).

Therefore, I, Laura Anne Seabrook, hereby offer the following license to reproduce the above in Australia...

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

You are free:

to copy, distribute, display, and perform the work

Under the following conditions:

	Attribution. You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor.
	Non-commercial. You may not use this work for commercial purposes.
	No Derivative Works. You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work.

For any reuse or distribution, you must make clear to others the license terms of this work.
Any of these conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder.

Your fair use and other rights are in no way affected by the above.

This is a human-readable summary of the Legal Code (the full license).

Disclaimer

Yes, I know it's a bit formal, but I'd like to put the image out there for people who'd like to use it.

Uploaded Files

2006-07-28T00:40:55Z

A few people have expressed interest in my Powerpoint presentations about my Palenville Trip and my Tarot Deck, so I've uploaded them to Box.Net.

You will find the links below take you to download pages for...

Return of the Gallae: Powerpoint (3.5 mb) | PDF version (3.7 mb)
Trans Tarot Deck: Powerpoint (1.6 mb)

Winter Solstice 2006

2006-06-21T14:59:38Z

It was Winter Solstice down here today.

It was cold and wet, and apart from walking Pegasus in the morning, neither of us went out much all day. I had planned to do another tarot card today, or even another page of my web comic, but instead ended up under a blanket on the sofa, watching videos and DVDs.

Tonight, I went food shopping. Considering that I've been mostly broke for the last month (and was watching my food most carefully in the last few days) this was a relief. Tomorrow I plan to eat at an Asian food all-you-can-eat - I guess that'll be a Yule feast of sorts.

Funny, been down a lot lately, though I seem to be coming out of that as well. So today I guess, I just give thanks for still being here, and that myself and my pets are all safe, fed and well.

That was short, wasn't it?

Back from the Underworld

2006-06-16T01:20:00Z

I feel - well "much lighter" today. Been down, really down in the last month or more, mainly as a combination of events and stresses and stuff. This has been the worst period like this that I've had since 2002, when I was extremely depressed after being suicidal. I eventually got out of that. Oddly enough the "trigger" was a single act of creativity - I created a new letterbox from an old plastic cereal container and all-weather tape, made a "magazine hole" from a cut piece of plastic tube, and wired them together on my front fence to make a new mailbox.

Seems odd, but that one act showed me that regardless of my situation (I was totally absolutely broke at the time) there was something that I could for myself. I've been trying to work through that, by doing posts on my live journal (see my Self-Therapy posts if you're interested) and while it helped, in that I was dealing and talking about stuff that obviously had bothered me quite a lot, it was hard work.

Maybe this time doing comics has helped. I entered the "24 Hrs in Oz Comics Challenge '06" and not only was this a lot of fun (you'll find a copy of what I did at Random Thoughts ) but I discovered a whole group of folk that I was mostly unaware of before. It makes a big difference when part of the problem is feeling isolated and alone.

And yet, after going to Palenville earlier this year, I knew I wasn't really alone - Mother is always with me. Sometimes though, I forget, or allow pride to obscure that fact. The idea that I can only be happy as a direct result of my actions is a trap. Sometimes (often) what WANT isn't what I NEED. It may be that entering the Underworld and wrestling with one's Shadow, is not something that can be done for an extended period of time. Like Persephone, I have to rise again and return to the world of the living. Last Tuesday night, in the middle of a full moon, I did a ritual in the circle of my backyard and asked Mother for help.

Cant say how, cant say when, but I know it's coming, because I know that Mother is always with me. Yesterday I reaffirmed the decision to go to Queer Collaborations next month in Sydney (see the QC '06 website). Apart from just attending, I'll be doing a presentation about the Gallae, and my trip to Palenville; I'll also be running a "coming out" workshop as well. Took a whole week for me to come to that decision, but I did, and maybe that makes a difference too.

My problems and difficulties haven't changed, but just today, they aren't pressing me down into the dirt. And for that Mother, I'm thankful.

-------------------- Offline for now --------------------

2006-05-19T08:13:15Z

I'm going off-line for now, following a mad episode earlier today. I won't be checking or updating LJ for a while, though I will be checking e-mail (and will respond to comments).

Sad Dream, Suppression & Confusion

2006-05-18T22:31:05Z

I had a sad dream this morning. I dreamt that...

Jenny had to go into hospital for some reason, and I'm looking after her little terrier, Bobby. For some reason Bobby has to go outside (in the dream it's not my house or Jenn's, but somewhere else). I hear a whimper and I go outside, and Bobby's dead on the ground. I go over to have a look and then notice two other small dogs running around and playing. I look closer and one appears to be Bobby, and the other is Mutzy (next door's dog who was put down last year).
Then a car drives up. Someone has come to collect Bobby and has brought their cat. I go over to Bobby's ghost, and he jumps into my arms willingly. The visitor (I can't quite see who it is) seems shocked and is looking at Bobby's corpse, while I hold his spirit, and the cat comes over and hisses at it.

...and then I woke up. I felt the most intense feeling of sadness about me. Peggy was sleeping next to me on the bed, and I gave hum a cuddle and a pat. Later I took him for an early walk through the Barnsley morning mist. It helped. I phoned Jenny as well, and without mentioning specifics, asked her about Bobby - he's OK.

Had a reading last week via e-mail. Part of the reading was...

Card 7: Self, your feelings about the issue 10 of Fire - Action - Suppression "The figure on this card is quite literally 'all tied up in knots'. His light still shines within. But he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him. The danger of suppressing one's natural energy in this way is apparent in the cracks of a volcanic eruption about to take place around the edges of the image." What this card screams out is to find an outlet. A healthy outlet, for all the anger and rage that has built up in your suppression. Anything from beating on a pillow and screaming, to yoga, to sculpting and getting covered in your medium. But also work on untying yourself from the self created knots. You MUST or a self created badness is heading your way.

And that was spot on. I've been like that for the last two years, with strange patches of of inexplicable grief and overwhelming anger coming out. Very disturbing. I really don't know what to do about that. Sometimes I have the most intense vision of Pegasus. In the vision...

Pegasus is on a table, looking very tired, and looking very old. I'm there too and I come up to him - he wags his tail and smiles a "dog smile" - and I say "It's OK boy dog, it's OK, we're going to make the pain go away". Then I put my arms around him and someone takes a photo of us. Then the vet comes and gives him an injection and he's gone, and I start crying and don't stop.

Sometimes I can see that image - of me posing with Pegasus for the camera, and it upsets me I guess, because I know that Pegasus will die some die. So will I of course, but I guess the big feeling of loss is about friendship and companionship. Back in 2003, I was walking Peggy down a bush track (this following bit is reprinted from a posting I did back then).

As I was walking, like I normally do, I came to contemplation, the nearest thing to Meditation that I can get. And it just popped into my head that I'd have Pegasus for another 7 years. He's currently 6 years old [now 9], so that would make him 13 -- not a bad lifespan for a dog. And then, unbidden came the thought "and I've got 23 to go". I did my sums and mistakenly figured 89 years (I'm 46 this year [49 in 2006]) but in fact it was more like 69.

Don't know if it's true at all, probably just abstracts plucked out of the air. But if it is, well then it really doesn't matter. I learnt in the process of the last few years that it wasn't how long you've got, but what you do in that time, that counts. Twenty three years - golly, I'd better get a "move on" if I'm to do some of the things that I know I'm supposed to do.

It was a good walk this morning. We were both a bit tired and sweaty when it was over, and when we got home I gave Pegasus a bone. That's the thing with pets isn't it? You care because you can. And it makes a difference, the caring. When I used to have a boarder here he once asked me if his dog would live forever (no fooling). I answered him NO, and that that was the point, and what made doing what you can now more important than waiting indefinitely to do it in the future.

Time is:

short,
but also long,
and in a finite space of:
         seconds,
         minutes,
         hours,
         days,
         weeks,
         months and
         years,
we have both no time
and all the time
we need.

However - maybe I'm just going nuts. Suggestions, please.

Tarot Problems

2006-05-05T10:41:48Z

Soul mate Idea

Yesterday I was so shat-off and disgusted. I went into Second Life to do Tarot Readings. Didn't have any, despite advertising in both The Post and The Star this week. That wasn't so bad, but I became more and more discouraged as the day went on.

Remember my Sahmain Contemplations, where I mentioned that I felt lonely and wanted to find a live in companion? Well one idea I had was to write an article about my trip to Palenville, and mention my intentions about establishing a temple. The idea was that maybe likely candidates would see this and maybe contact me. The most likely magazine to do this in was WitchCraft Magazine. Guess what - it's folded!

This happened to me once before - I was going to write an article about my trip to Phuket for HQ magazine and it went bust! Hmmm. I think the idea is still sound, but really don't know any other Australian periodical suitable to write for.

Little Return

I chatted with another reader (psychic Angel drawings) who'd tried to make a go of it at Second Life, but hadn't been able to. In my own case, I had a good response last year, but it's mostly dried up this year. I just don't know where the clients have gone. Anyway, the more I talked to this person, who was "naturally bouncy", the more exhausted and down I felt. She also saw some spirits standing behind me, but their descriptions don't match anyone in my family. I ended up doing a reading for her, but I felt I didn't get anything much back.

The space in which I do readings, just didn't seem right yesterday. When I first went there the readings were done in middle room, whereas now they're done in the back space, which is also used as a lunch room and visitor's space. Had too many visitors yesterday. Didn't matter that I had no readings, people were walking through there all the time. If I did have some readings, it would have been totally disruptive.

And the bottom line is, it's really for me to keep doing this if clients aren't coming. I rent the space for $20 a day, and with no return that's $80-$100 a month. They used to be coming, but now it seems a trickle. The advertising in the two community papers this week cost $25 - can't do that too often while I'm still paying off a student loan, and repaying an advance I got from Centrelink. Together those mean that I'm down $60-$70 a fortnight.

Yesterday I came to a decision, and that was to give it one more month. If no one comes in, then I'll call it a day.

Today however a few things came my way. I had a few ideas this morning while walking my dog. While visiting a friend, one of her friends dropped in, and she has a whole circle of friends who might be interested in getting readings. Also, she suggested that I do a letterbox drop to advertise the readings. I think that's a great idea, because it's cheap, and only takes a bit of leg work on my part. There's a possibility there. Don't know if it will change things, but it's worth a try.

Trans Tarot Cards

The other good news is that I have only four cards to go to complete my Trans Tarot Deck project. Four cards, out of 22 of a major Arcana. Today at my friend's we had a bit of a brainstorming session and I worked out the imagery needed for them. Now I have that, I can create them. Finishing the images is a 1/3 of the way towards completing the project. The other 2/3rds is processing the imagery to create A1 size cards for exhibition, and then having that exhibition.

But getting the images done first is a big step, and one I'm close to making.

Sahmain 2006

2006-05-02T10:00:10Z

The yahoo horoscope for this week said:

But midweek you may also need to hold a discussion with a view to making an important decision. You may need to get one issue out into the open, but in doing so you will also go a long way towards healing it as well. Venus, your very own planet, moves into Aries, so this will help soothe any ruffled feathers and help to create the best possible outcome of all.

It'd be nice to think that such would be the case. In any case, I'm posting this on Tuesday, just in case. And what I have to say seems to be a big issue to me: loneliness.

Over the weekend I was pretty down with a bout of the flu, and a bout of depression. When that happens I tend to spiral into self destructive thoughts about myself. Not a good thing, and the best thing I can do is just "wait it out". Maybe that's the case now. Maybe. I still have the flu, and the depression seems to be lifting after I was able to draw two more cards for my Honours project.

After my Lavatio contemplation you'd think everything would be "hunky dory", but though I know that the Great Mother goes with me, I still need more human company. One of the ongoing problems that I've had ever since I've moved to Barnsley (back in November, 1997) has been the sense of isolation that I've felt here. I knew the minute I saw this house (Rainbow Haven - I have this written in concrete in the driveway) that this was the right one to buy. There was however one other contender, in Islington.

That place was a block away from Hamilton Railway Station and both Beaumont St & Maitland Rd; not far from Newcastle TAFE as well. It had four bedrooms, and extra rooms as well, and a huge kitchen - but a backyard just big enough to put a rotary clothes hoist, and that was it. Also, it backed on to the railway line. If I'd bought that place there would have been no ducks, and I don't know just how long the cats would have lasted. It wasn't until I went to the Palenville Phrygianum that I understood just why I needed a big backyard.

Thee Maetreum at Palenville has maybe 20,000 square metres that goes with it (and 20+ bedrooms). I have 4 bedrooms and a 1,000 square metre block - 10 x 100 metres deep. I knew while I was still in Palenville what I needed to do when I got back, and that was to create a Temple of Cybele here. Can't create a large Phrygianum (a gallae group home), with just 4 bedrooms, but I can create a Maetreum. I waited on this, as much as possible. I know it's the right thing for me to do, but I wanted time to think it over. At first, it only seemed silly to suggest the idea.

Couldn't do this in Islington, with no backyard. This is a permanent installation I'm thinking of, not just an area where "one casts a circle" and later closes it -- I already have one of those. There is a middle patch of lawn that I play ball with Pegasus on. Some years ago I dug two shallow circular ditches (one inner, one outer) and filled them with bricks. It took three carloads of bricks to fill, and I also have flagstones at each cardinal point and at the centre. Some of my ducks are buried under those flagstones. But I seldom use this circle, and have let the grass grow over it.

No, it was clear to me just where the Temple (open air) would go - just above this, with a circle of benches indicating just where it is, with three entrances/exits (and perhaps surrounded by tall thin bushes). Further up, near the back fence and within the grove of trees that grows there, will be a small retreat. The image of this is burnt vividly upon my mind's eye. I know this will happen, but I also know that I can't do this just by myself.

A Temple is more than just architecture and placement. It has to be used and maintained. There was a quality present at the one in Palenville, a very distinct aura that pervaded it during rituals and at night, and I think that comes from dedication. Such dedication needs a number of things, but most of all I think, I need a helper. Someone who has the same faith as me, living here as well. I have the space - I have two spare rooms available.

Last year I was desperate to get in a boarder, but towards the end of the year I was relieved that I hadn't. Now I know why - it has to be the right person. By myself I'm just not stable enough to see this through. Oh, it'll happen, but not as well as when two are involved.

And that's been on my mind ever since I returned from Palenville.

You see, I haven't a notion on how to do this, how to find that person. If I pull Tarot or Oracle Cards for myself, they keep on saying "soul mate" or referring to a "companion". It's just frustrating, more than reassuring. I know that I have to go out and find them - they won't just turn up if I sit here and wait for them. And it scares me too, if I find them.

Been pretty much a hermit here at Rainbow Haven. I had a couple of boarders, but they just showed me how not to share with someone else. Having company means a lot of changes. Some good, some -- well adjustments will have to be made. But it's time, I feel that I'm "overdue" for this to happen, just like I felt I was "overdue" to leave Perth, and to go have surgery. It's time.

So where are they?

What if, I just don't recognise them at all? What if? When I was ill on the weekend, I consulted the Oracle Cards and the Karma cards. They said:

Dolphin & Mermaid	Soul Mate + Let yourself receive + Divine Magic: Self Forgiveness
Karma Cards	Neptune in Virgo in the 2nd House, which reads... S: Inspire others with the serving of others patiently. M: Be prepared to sacrifice for the details of what you want. P: Yielding is the only way to do what you must do and get what you need.

But just what did it mean? It all seems to hinge around yielding and sacrifice. Maybe I really do need to forgive myself too, even for things that probably weren't "my fault" anyway. I'm my own worst critic at times. And Sahmain is (among other things) about: transformation; release; dissolving boundaries; and surrender.

But I still feel like I'm walking in the dark, relying on Mother's hand to guide me here. So be it. I don't know what I'm going to do to make this happen, only that it will.

Can't leave it alone

2006-04-28T11:15:00Z

Heh should avoid those Oracle Cards - shuffled and pulled one card out. "Soul Mate Relationship" (again).

Hmmm...

Soul mates

2006-04-27T11:19:44Z

I have a deck of "Dolphin and Mermaid" oracle cards.

The last four times that I've picked out three cards at random, the "Soul mate" card has come up. Think they're trying to tell me something?

Reading while ill

Actually, this last time I was feeling ill due to the flu. I was also feeling very very "weepy". It might be because the goat next door is dead, though apparently this flu does that to one - makes you emotional.

Anyway, whenever I'm like that, I seem to key into my hopes and fears. And maybe the biggest hope/fear I have right now is establishing a Temple of Cybele here. I know I won't be doing it alone, that someone is coming to help, and will be a long term companion (not lover, for some reason). The the details totally elude me. Do I try and meet this person somewhere, or just try and start the temple somehow (no money is an obstacle).

So, I guess I rolled several sets of cards for reassurance. They were:

Dolphin & Mermaid	Soul Mate + Let yourself receive + Divine Magic: Self Forgiveness
Karma Cards	Neptune in Virgo in the 2nd House, which means... S: Inspire others with the serving of others patiently. M: Be prepared to sacrifice for the details of what you want. P: Yielding is the only way to do what you must do and get what you need.
Granny Jones Tarot	Wheel of Fortune + 3 Buttons + 7 Cups... Opportunities, fate, change; recognition, reward, skill; illusions, unexpected, choice.
Jackie's Tarot	Ace Cups (reversed) + Ace Rods + 8 Pentacles... Unhappiness; new energy; recognition, reward.

I guess I ended up more confused than ever. Rolling the cards might not be the best thing to do when one's ill.

Rumi Quote

2006-04-09T01:28:51Z

I was reading the February 2005 issue of History Today and came across the following quote in an article about Turkish Art:

These spiritual window shoppers,
Who idly ask, 'How much is that?'
Oh, I'm just looking
They handle a hundred items and put them down
Shadows with no capital

Even, if you don't know what you want,
Buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.
Start a huge, foolish project,
Like Noah
It makes absolutely no difference
What people think of you
Abu-al-faraj Runi - Mathnavi, Book VI, verses 831-845
(a loose translation)

I like that. In an odd way it applies to me right now, at least about being considered foolish (about starting a Phrygianum). And you know what? It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter because I know this will happen.

Megalensia Today

2006-04-04T04:56:38Z

This was the anniversary of the entry of Cybele to Rome. It marked the start of season for plays, games, and other forms of entertainment.

I'm spending the day cleaning up, and watching anime - what is everyone else doing for today?

Lavatio 2006 Contemplation

2006-04-02T23:37:04Z

I did one of these, over in Trans_Magic.

Contemplation on my Collapse

2006-03-29T19:52:22Z

After the events of Yesterday and Today, I think I can now put my Ritual Collapse in perspective. Maybe, just maybe, it was a form of Religious Ecstasy.

In my life, I've been dogged by epilepsy, and panic attacks. In both cases it's almost like a manic "holding on" or tensing of the muscles - then my body relaxes and tenses again. There are other effects as well. The Tonic Clonic fits I had would sometimes give me out of body experiences, but for the most part they were the most terrifying thing that I've ever experienced. And yet, part of that is the almost absolute drive to "stay in control", and failing dismally. Panic attacks seem to work the same way.

Not good.

When I collapsed after the ritual, there was no tensing and relaxing - I was just totally relaxed to a state where I could barely do anything. At the time it felt like a giant hand was holding me down to the ground. But being held isn't always a bad thing. I was frightened, yes. But later, I let that fear go and in a group effort I was raised into Cathryn's car and carried to safety. At that instant all the fear just fell away, and I found myself just floating in a sea of calm.

One thing that came out of that, and also from "the Mysteries" which I'd undertaken ealier that weekend, is that...

I am not alone

This is not just the other gallae, but Mother is there - watching over me. Maybe with all the energy I had, went also a lot of anxiety too, like I was cleaned in the process.

That doesn't mean I don't have to struggle, don't have to make an effort. Life goes on and with it come all the problems of life. But Mother's hand is there, if I let it, if I relax and alow Her to guide me, in my path.

Normally when I fly I tense up when the plane lifts off and later lands. It scared teh shit out of me. But so far on the way home (I'm not back yet) that hasn't been the case. I know I'm in safe hands.

Got a lot to do when I get home, but I won't be alone in doing it.

Mother's Hand

2006-03-27T18:30:40Z

I collapsed at a ritual yesterday.

The ritual was "Lavatio" which was a procession from the house here, to the temple, bearing a statue of Cybele. We then went to a nearby stream for a clensing of the statue. When we returned we also did an energy raising circle. The purpose was to raise energy for the year ahead. Towards the end of this people bent down in final prayer. I did too, but also found myself sinking to the ground totally.

I collapsed into a fetal position, with my head touching the ground, legs bent under me and arms folded at my side. And I discovered that I couldn't rise - it was like all the energy in me had been sucked out, like a huge magnet was keeping me to the ground. I said "Help" and "I need a hand" but the others didn't hear me. The procession went back to the house. Only Sue P. and Amanda stayed for a vigil, and just as well.

They finally heard me and pulled me back, but I just seemed to have no energy in my limbs. After a while they got me walking bck to the house. I got half way and then it was like a giant hand just pulled me to the ground. I couldn't go any further. Sue stayed with me while Amanda got help. Soon everyone else seemed to be with me and after a few false starts, got me into Cathryn's car and back to the house.

I could barely move my limbs and my feet and hands felt so so cold. After food, green tea and some other ministrations I recovered, but was very very woosy for the rest of the night. We watched the old "Yellow Submarine" film later but it was early nights for everyone who was still at the house.

So, just what did happen to me?

It wasn't: a panic attack, an epileptic seizure; a heart attack (no pain); or hypothermia. Cathryn has some theories but I'm hesitant to reveal them just yet, other to say that just maybe I got "touched by the hand of Mother".