Saturday 4^th

I'm staying in bed!

I had a peculiar call from admin about breakfasts, and a technician came to fix the phone -- the receiver had been loose since I'd dropped it yesterday.

My pubic hair is so itchy! Sweat and regrowing hair don't mix. The cleaners have a habit of turning off the air conditioning while they're doing their job, but forgetting to turn it back on later. I also had really intense zingers.

Robyn waited and waited and waited for her to go up. While she waited, she drew a smiley face in texture above her genitals, as joke for the surgeon (I hope he gets it). Robyn was supposed to go at Noon but didn't get away until 3:20pm.

I dozed a lot while she was away. the graft and anaesthetic seem to have taken a lot out of me. Robyn returned at 5pm. I was still getting lots of zingers all night.

Sunday 5^th

The surgeon arrived and changed Robyn's dressing, which must have hurt. I was told that I'd have my packing and catheters removed on Wednesday.

Jenny is up and about, and has her catheter out already. She seems very fit and seems to recover well.

I felt extremely itchy that night. I was also getting a number of sensations from pin attacks to zingers, and also ones that felt like...

• someone putting a wire between my legs and pulling it up towards my head with force.
• having my pubic mound filed away with an old rusty wood file.
• my whole genitals were being pinched and squeezed like they were being folded like a letter.

Monday 6^st

I dozed again, just felt so tired. Some Girls from Australia arrived. while I was having lunch. The oldest one was having a colon extension, and the other was here for her main surgery.

But the last one, the way she was carrying on was something else. She was so worked up saying that the room she had was substandard, that they didn't have a TV, and that the health department should be called in! Was she nervous? Maybe, but she seemed so aggressive. I was not too impressed with her ranting while I was in bed, recovering, and finding nothing that she mentioned to be correct.

She went on about the surgery being only "the icing on the cake" and how she didn't have to have it -- fine, but why was she here then? The chances were that they were placed in a temporary room until an air-conditioned one was vacant. This is what had happened with Destiny -- they changed her room while she was in surgery. The surgeon arrived, proceeded to ignore them mostly, and inspected my rash. He said that it was either a fungal growth or an allergy and I was given some Diprozine to treat it. Meanwhile the two Australian Girls left for their rooms.

Robyn felt much better today. She's been wearing make-up and jewellery again, and her own tops, though she still wears a hospital sarong. Late in the afternoon she had the Foley's removed as well.

Tuesday 7^th

Jenny came in to say goodbye, and said that she'd keep in touch.

The big topic of the day between Robyn and myself however was the two Australian Girls that'd checked in yesterday. We were still amazed at their aggressive attitude. In Thailand it pays to be polite, and they'd been anything but.

In the afternoon I tried phoning people in Australia. I tried phoning my mother, my brother, Jo a friend of my mother's but to no avail. I'd just get a recorded message saying that the number was either changed or disconnected. I didn't know what the problem was but it meant that I could get a direct connect back home.

Robyn went to visit a Girl from Hong Kong. We talked for a bit after she returned, and Robyn is considering undertaking a professional counselling course.

I tried emailing again but got wrong numbers -- Argh! I decided to write emails again and passed them on to Pim to retype and post.

My brother Mark phone about 7:30pm. It was about 8:30pm in Western Australia. I told him that I was OK, and that the tubes would be out tomorrow and so on. He'll pass it on to the rest of the family. Apparently my postcard to mum arrived today, so the others should have arrived too. I could just imagine Jo reading his to the dogs.

Wednesday 8^th

After the sponge bath a nurse pushed a trolley in, the same one I'd seen yesterday when Robyn had her catheters removed. Guess it won't be long now.

Finally the surgeon arrived. He:

1. removed the tape holding things in;
2. removed the Foley's catheter. There was a small trickle of urine when it came out;
3. removed the vacuum catheter and packing. I made a "pop" noise with my mouth when it did;
4. cleaned up the outside of the genitals;
5. inserted dilator #2 five inches into my new vagina (though that would shrink slightly until I dilated regularly);
6. and washed and cleaned the vagina with a douche.

It wasn't ecstasy, wasn't bliss, and it wasn't exactly happiness (though that was there too). It was pure and simple relief -- that everything had had gone OK and I was now (as I see it) complete.

Then I had a sanitary pad placed with an elastic belt, and got out of bed as well. I was very shaky after being off my feet for so long. I walked around the room for a bit, stood on the balcony and sat down on a chair.

Then I had my first proper bowel movement. It was painful but a relief all the same. The diet in here is tailored for a sedentary stay, and you don't have much to pass normally. Fortunately I never had to use a bed pan.

When I was feeling stronger I went walkies again. I visited Quen (the Girl from Hong Kong) and Destiny, and also visited Portia. Then I had to rush back to my room as I felt the need to pee.

This was a new sensation. After having a catheter in me for ten days I was wondering if I could pee. I sat down, and at first nothing came. then I relaxed and it all trickled out. It felt funny peeing without a penis, like I had been doing for the last 43 years, but it feel so good as well. It trickled all over the place, but Robyn tells me that things will settle down soon enough.

I peed twice more that day and had several movements, but much less painful than before.

After dinner a nurse came with my dilation pack, which consisted of: five plastic dilator (sort of like very stiff dildos); condoms and lube; a syringe ball and a container of bettidine solution. The surgeon will show me what to do tomorrow.

Thursday 9^th

Then I had a shower, the first after surgery, and it felt so good to wash my hair and comb it clean. The sponge baths were fun (it was just so nice to have the attention) but nothing beats doing it yourself. I had to pat myself down around my genitals, instead of wiping like I used to do when I still had a penis. A sensitive area down there, and still healing.

And I looked in the mirror afterwards before dressing. I looked...

...like me, like I always knew I should look, and it felt right. I visited Destiny. She decided to stay a couple of weeks and is going to have a colon extension done. Personally I thought she'd be better going home to New York, recovering properly, and then coming back to have it down. But it's her choice, and her money, and her life. She's a brave kid -- I don't think I could cope with that sort of pain.

Robyn and I were watching a video when the surgeon arrived and took me through the dilation drill. I removed the pad and belt and lay back with my legs up and knees bent and he inserted the dilator. Or tried to -- #2 was just too painful today, but #1 was OK.

A condom was placed over the dilator and lubricant (lube) over that and on the entrance to my vagina. Then the dilator was inserted gently but firmly, until I could feel it reach the rear wall of the vagina. It took a few tries to find the right angle. Then the dilator was removed and I inserted it myself. After a few tries it was removed.

Following the dilation the vagina was douched (cleaned) using the syringe bulb and bettidine wash. Finally and antibateriological cream was applied to the stitches and a new pad attached to the belt and worn.

The diameters of the dilators I had ranged from 2.2 cm (#1) to 3.5 cm (#5). I was told that the size of my vagina would depend upon how frequently I dilated, with various sizes. Essentially dilating prevents the "wound" from closing up. To get a larger vagina I'd need to use bigger dilators, for longer times.

Something to look forward to.

The cleaners came in and gave a pair of earrings to one. The other asked me if the altar was like a Buddhist shrine, and I said it was. I changed into my black lace top, though I was still wearing a hospital sarong. I watched a video but was really distracted. I was waiting for my discharge.

I dilated a second time, under Robyn's supervision. I had a bit of trouble until I relaxed and used a mirror to see what I was doing. The dilator was in for 15 minutes. After a while there was less pain and more sensation. I douched in the bathroom the then dressed fully, wearing my own skirt and panties instead of hospital ones.

Robyn took photos of myself and the cleaners, who'd been very friendly and a lot of fun, throughout our stay there.

I visited Destiny. She was in good spirits and determined to stay another two weeks and have the colon surgery. Portia was asleep so I missed her. Robyn and I visited the two Australian Girls. The younger one was watching a video while the older one (who had a colon extension done) was unconscious with morphine. I wished them luck.

We waited and at 4;20pm the porter finally came and we left. We waved goodbye to the nurses and other staff. It was genuinely meant. Before I'd decided to come to Thailand, well meaning friends in Australia had told me not to. The hospitals will be dirty, seldom cleaned and the staff unreliable they'd said. But I found the reverse to be true. In fact, I found the quality of of the hospital and the staff to be top rate and worthy of the International status of the hospital.

The driver took us back to the hotel again and we settled in. Pim phoned to let us know that Portia will be discharged today, and would be staying at the hotel as well. She'd be bring a printed copy of the "dilation instructions" with her, and I would receive my certificate of surgery before I left for home. I visited Portia later and picked up the instructions. She was hoping to go to Patong to take in a Katoey show, but I gave that a miss. I watched some TV instead, and Robyn and I went out for dinner at 9pm.

When we returned I dilated again. I was nervous as this was the first dilation outside the hospital. It hurt a little but I coped.

A long day but a good one.

Friday 27^th

I had the first of many sponge baths today (at least twice daily). I have a Foley's catheter attached to my urethra, and a vacuum catheter inserted into the packing in my neo-vagina. Tubes went everywhere, and they had to remove my top and sarong carefully. I was rolled on one side and then the next, while they changed the sheeting and then redressed me. I loved it -- just to lie there and have all this attention. And I showed my appreciation in smiles and nice comments, and I know that these were appreciated by the nurses in turn.

The surgeon came down to inspect the results. Everything seemed in order, though he had them put a cold compress over my right eye. It helped. Finally I slept for a couple of hours, had a good breakfast and a lunch I couldn't finish.

I did however have a religious ritual. You can't see it too clearly in the photo, but I ate of the drum, and drank of the cymbal, like the ancient Gallae. This was important to me, to have this ritual, just as I'd had my "Rite of Passage" earlier.

I tried to watch a video but the vision is very blurry in my right eye. My brother Mark sent me a fax -- I was so pleased at getting this! I watched the rest of the video later and dozed off. I had to call the nurse in the middle of the night though, as my eye was still very sore -- more drops.

Saturday 28^th

Robyn gave me a card that read "Such a lucky Baby Girl... ...sharing life and love with you." I cried, I was so happy.

Less pain down below today -- more "pin" and "needle" attacks, as I call them (they feel like someone's sticking me with pins, and with needles). I had breakfast and later had some sharp stabbing pains.

I had a phone call from Portia from room 15 (I'm in 14). She had her surgery yesterday. The surgeon visited me at 1pm and told me that I was healing reasonably well, and that it would be OK to walk a bit. I slept a bit after that and then at 2pm tried my first steps.

The nurses unhooked the vacuum catheter, and gave me the Foley's bag to hold. With help I got out of bed and walked very slowly. Robyn and I visited Portia, though we only talked briefly. I started to feel very hot and was seeing spots before my eyes. Robyn walked me back to the room. With help I got back on the bed and the nurses re-attached me to the catheters again.

Today is Robyn's anniversary of her surgery, and I sang "Happy Birthday" to her and gave her a kiss. We talked a lot about the past and other things. I gave her my last "wish-stone". This is a piece of polished Glass and part of a collection I bought at a New-Age shop some years ago. As my various dreams and wishes came true, I'd give one to a friend. This was the last one, and I wanted Robyn to have it.

Robyn went upstairs to see Pim while I was having dinner. While she was away I realised that everything is OK -- that I feel good and content! A new life beginning -- Yahoo!!!!

Sunday 29^th

Portia came in to visit. She's up and about, more so than myself. We chatted for a while. It seems that she's pagan as well. I knew I was going to meet another pagan here, but not who. She's Wiccan and involved with a small circle. We talked about Cybele and Attis.

I decided to draw something for her recovery. I used texture on paper and drew an icon of pagan symbols: pentagram (with Athena Symbol inside it -- my variation which means "transgendered"); triple moon, ankh and horned god. I wrote:

To Portia, May the Goddess and the God watch over your recovery, -- Laura

I wrote postcards to several people. Then I got up and walked about for a bit. I also sat down in a chair and on the toilet seat. Ugh -- things feel tight down there.Portia came in and I gave her the drawing. She gave me a green teddy bear in return. We also swapped videos.

Later I tried drawing some of my next zine Hypergraphia but I was sweating too much. I didn't want the art to smudge, so I put it away and wrote a poem instead. I got up again and visited Jenny and Linda in room 16. Jenny's American, in her mid-fifties, and led a very interesting life. She had her packing changed today and was sitting and standing OK.

When I started to feel faint I went back to the room and watched a video. The surgeon came down at 4:15pm and I told him that I'd walked twice today. He said that he'd change the dressing tomorrow, after doing surgery for the Girl in room 12. He'll also do a labia-plasty (a cosmetic touch-up) for Robyn on Tuesday, and she should be able to walk down afterwards!

I had a bit of cry later. I didn't get up for another walk as I had several Hot Flushes. My hormone levels are probably zero for both male and female. So this is what menopause feels like. Watching TV is odd here. They have several local Thai channels, each with a different character. There's also CNN, MTV and something called The Australian Channel.

This last one apparently is broadcast from Australia, and shows old episodes of: Country Practice; Raffety's Rules; Home & Away; Blue Heelers; various sports shows; a 30 minute music video show; innumerable travelogues about Australia and nearby destinations; and current episodes of Channel Seven News. The programming is repeated three times a day, so if I missed anything I could always wait for it again.

Late at night I finally had to go to the toilet for a movement. It was painful and lengthy, and I started reading the copy of Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned that I'd brought along. When I was finally done I went back to bed and watched a video.

Monday 30^th

Went to the toilet and then off to visit Portia, where I also had breakfast. When I got back they put another saline drip into my left hand and a " FOOD OR DRINK" sign on the end of the bed. Pim came down for a visit. Finally at 2:30pm I went upstairs for the changing (and inspection) of the dressing.

The neo-vagina was carved out of available space by the surgeon in the previous surgery. However, rather than put the skin graft in immediately, he'd put packing in there instead and a vacuum drip to keep it tight and in place. The theory was that I would have granulation on "the wound" (as all the staff here called it) with a better blood supply and because of this the graft had a better chance of taking.

I still had the tubing for the epidural connected to my spinal column, and the anaesthesiologist used this to give me another local anaesthetic. It took an hour to wear in, and then I had no sensation below my waistline. It was strange, because my body "remembered" the last position they were in. It felt like they were still on the table, but they were really up on supports!

The surgeon came in by 4pm and it was all over and done by 4:15pm. I was back in my room at 4:30pm. Only, it'd been mostly waiting. They had music playing for 20 minutes but that was it. My arms and shoulders felt a bit cramped and I was still waiting for the surgeon to start when he said he was finished.

I was a bit emotional later in the room and it took forever (almost) for me to settle down. This time I could feel waves and waves of feeling returning to my legs, starting at my thighs and ending at my toes. The last were particularly weird in feeling.

A new Girl, Destiny (from room 19) came to visit. Another American, in her early 20s, she's studying at university and is a DJ/Composer of sorts. She seemed very young in outlook and was easy to talk to. She also seemed a little under-informed. She was keen to get everything "over and done with" and thought that it would only take a week.

Portia phoned and we chatted. She sounds homesick.

I repeatedly felt the need to go to the toilet, but nothing came out except wind. Very disconcerting. More so was the fact that as I put my weight on the railing next to the toilet seat, it broke! I'm getting a lot of reading done though.

Tuesday 31^st

All the news on CNN is focussed on a terrible accident in Taipei, where a Singapore Airlines plane was destroyed. We flew on Singapore Airlines, but luckily not today.

Jenny and Portia came to visit before breakfast, and later when they came to give me the morning's sponge bath, they shaved Robyn's pubes. She had a bit of resistance to this, as she told me that it feels so itchy when they grow back. Funny thing, but I had a bit of a rash in that area, and it felt so terribly itchy. I mentioned this to the nurse.

The cleaners came in and Robyn and I had fun with them, trading English and Thai words. Pim came down to arrange my paying the balance on what was owed for the surgery. I'll have to sort this out later today.

I went for a wander and visited the other Girls. I was on the toilet when they came in to put a "numbing cream" on Robyn and when I came out she was already gone. Another Girl, a Thai who lives in Sydney, came in for a visit while she was away. She seemed very young and had odd ideas about weight loss and taking ecstasy and going to raves. I was watching a video when Robyn was wheeled back in towards the end of it -- so much for walking down! Everything looked red and sore down there, and there was still some bleeding.

Later in the afternoon I went upstairs to try the Internet option in sorting out my payment options. It was a fruitless effect as there was something wrong with my login, so I went back downstairs. Pim came down and I tried the phone banking option again. This almost worked but I got cut off at the wrong time. I was in tears, so upset about this. The thing is -- I have the money -- but it just seems so difficult to move it about from another country.

I wandered out to talk with the other Girls, and bitch about the problems I was having with my finances. I am just so upset over this, and feel so very tired.

Robyn's bleeding got worse and was all over her sarong. I buzzed for the nurse and after inspecting it she phoned the surgeon. He arranged for corrective surgery. It was now about 6pm, but it wouldn't happen until 8:30pm. We watched a silly video to take her mind off things, but she was in a lot of pain. Robyn might have a high pain threshold, but when she finally feels it -- POW!

They inserted a saline drip and gave her pethidine for the pain. She went off to surgery again, at 8:20pm. I was told that she'd be back down again tonight. I'll wait and see...

...watched more TV -- some silly documentary about Australian cattle being sold to the Philippines. Robyn's not here and I'm bored. Then a nurse came and swapped the vacuum drip from my left to my right side, and replaced the cot that Robyn had been using with a proper hospital bed. At 9:30pm though the nurse came in and told me that Robyn had been moved to room 25 and was still unconscious.

I guess I'll see her tomorrow.

Wednesday 1^st

Odd, but I just feel so washed out and lost. There was the usual morning routine of checking blood pressure, sponge bath and breakfast, but it all seemed so perfunctory this morning. I miss Robyn.

Just feel so tired and sad and frustrated and lonely and frightened and all the emotions rolled into one. I laid sideways, facing the window with the light off, shaking and crying. I thought to myself that I ought to be tougher, better, stronger; more able to hold together -- that I wasn't and that things were the worse for that. I felt like shit. I may have been forgetting to take my anti-depressants again.

Then in my mind I heard a song that I've heard before: "I'll stand by You" by the Pretenders. The song was a sign from Hecate. The last time I'd heard the song in my mind like this, was years ago when I was in Sydney and facing a big decision about my future, and just not knowing what to do. But this time She was letting me know that She was there with me, and that it was OK to feel like I did.

I rallied.

I buzzed the nurse, got disconnected and got up. I found that my altar had been disturbed, that the figurine of DAWN was on its side and my comics placed on top of it. I was angry! I composed myself and then restored the altar and lit a candle, both for Robyn and myself.

Then I got the Foley's drained and went walkabout. Robyn was in room 22, bed 5 (a public room) -- not room 25. She seemed to be in good spirits and much less pain. I also visited Jenny, and together we went back to visit Robyn again. The surgeon came in while we were there to check Robyn. He said that she'd be moved back to my room later. Jenny and I went back to my room and chatted further until the surgeon came in to check me. I had to get back into bed and be re-plugged.

Robyn was wheeled in shortly after and we were hooked up to the same vacuum drip. The pressure was higher than what I was used to.

Portia came for a visit. We swapped videos and Robyn and I watched "The Truman Show". At one point I asked her "We will leave this island won't we?" The hospital, pleasant and clean and efficient as it was, was starting to feel like the massive set in the film -- how much was reality? "Of course" she answered.

The candle finally expired after four hours of burning.

I went for another walk and set of visits. Apart from chatting with Robyn, watching TV/Videos, and reading Queen of the Damned (I'd given up trying to cartoon in this humidity) that was mostly all I could do. Talked to the Girls about surgery, plastic surgeons, facelifts and histories. It helps.

I expect though, that this transient community of transsexuals, all in various stages of surgery and recovery, will only last while we're here. This is sort of like those cruise boats I hear about -- you meet people and have a good time, but later return to the real world. I traded emails with Jenny and Portia, but don't expect much correspondence (it'd be nice to be mistaken). Later I heard from Linda that Jenny had been up for her graft. Have to check on her tomorrow.

I've been getting heaps of intense zingers down below. Nerves reconnecting Robyn says -- some invisible fiend with a cattle-prod maybe! Robyn and I chatted well into the night.

Thursday 2^nd

Visited the other Girls later. Destiny was still sore from the surgery, and Jenny seemed very subdued. Portia was even more homesick today.

I went back to the room for a rest. Robyn was much better now. She disconnected herself and went out to the balcony for a smoke. And who should walk in at that moment? The surgeon of course, who just laughed at how resilient she is. He inspected my wound, and I'm scheduled for the graft about midday tomorrow.

Later at night the nurses came to give me another enema. This one was worse than the last. They told me to wait 10 minutes but I could only wait two. I was stuck on the seat for 30 minutes afterwards, passing everything that I hadn't been able to in the last few days. Argh!

Friday 3^rd

Finally they came for me. I relit the candle at my altar and said prayers to Cybele and Hecate again. I had to wait on a porter to come, and was off at 10:15am.

When I arrived in the theatre, the surgeon was sitting at another table poking at something pink. I couldn't see clearly because my spectacles were back in the room, but this was the skin graft about to be placed in my neo-vagina. The surgeon was removing hair follicles and other excess matter. I had one of the nurses take a photo of this.

The was a problem with my epidural feed, which had been in me since the original surgery. It was removed and an injections made directly to my spine. I was turned on my side and held while the anaesthesiologist found the correct spot. The first injection was bearable, but the second very painful. I sung (very meekly) bits of the "Rawhide" theme while they did this, and preyed to the Goddess.

Then I was laid on my back and the next thing I remember...

...was waking in the room and Robyn was saying "Welcome back". I don't remember much after this -- I drifted in and out of consciousness for the remainder of the day.

Robyn tells me that at one point I was saying "Bow Wow" and "Woof!" When Robyn tried responding back the same way and I had no reaction she realised that I was not quite there, and said "Well you can't be a dog now, because you have a pussy, you must be a cat." Apparently I started going "Meow, meows, purr..." after that!

What was I thinking? *smile*

I was conscious enough later to order dinner, and spoke briefly with Pim, and Portia via the phone. She's sick and tired of hospitals, and wishes that her mother had come with her. In "bad taste" she suggested that the airline disaster that happened on Sahmain was actually a big bonfire for the event (gasp).

Robyn and I slept together last night, cuddled up in air-conditioned comfort. It was just so nice and reassuring. We woke at 6am and talked a lot about high schools, coping and other things. The alarm went off at 8am and we went downstairs and checked out. The driver turned up at 8:30am exactly and off we went to the hospital.

It only took 10 minutes to get there, and we waited at reception until I was checked in and issued with a hospital card. Pim arrived and I was taken to be X-Rayed. When I went back to reception Robyn was gone. She was being checked out by the surgeon. Robyn had been his first patient where he'd used the ascending colon for surgery, and he was most interested in the results after one year.

I went in and he examined me, saying that I had the minimum of penile material, but that the scrotal skin I had would make it OK, and that I should be able to get a functional vagina. I gave him my VISA card and off I went to get an E.K.G., after which I was weighed and taken with Robyn to my room, which was on the 2nd floor. They installed a TV and video player, and I got a complimentary gift pack of flowers, crackers and juice.

I then put on a patients gown, which consisted of a regular top and a sort of sarong that was really a tube. You stepped into the tube, then pulled it up to the side, tied a knot, tucked it in, and hoped that it didn't fall down. There was a trick to this, but only one that I learnt after a few days.

The room overlooked a decorative pond that was stocked with carp. While it could be fully air-conditioned inside, it was still hot and humid outside. The view was lovely, but there were few times that I used it. Robyn however was a smoker and used it for that when she could.

I set up my altar with T-Shirt, figurine of Dawn, candle, tambourine and cymbals. I also added in a small tissue box showing Charlie Brown and Snoopy, as this reminded me of Jo and Pegasus back home. Finally I put my drawing gear in a draw next to the bed.

I had lunch and started watching TV. The nurses came in and gave me an ID tag and asked me to remove my nail polish later in the day. They came back at 8pm when I was watching a video. I took a red pill and then laid back while they shaved my pubic hair. I felt like a "bond girl" they use on the title credits. Then, they gave me an enema.

I was put on my side and they poked a bottle of soapy liquid up my rectum and squeezed. I was told to wait five minutes before going to the toilet but I only lasted one. My bowels were drained and I had no more solid food that day. Finally I removed my finger and nail polish, and took out my earrings and studs. They wanted nothing to contaminate the operating theatre tomorrow.

It was about 9:20pm before I settled down again. I watched some more of the video but fell asleep while doing so.

Thursday 26^st

I woke around 5am and went to the toilet. I went out on the balcony and looked at the view. This was the big day, finally, and it was hard to sleep in! Nonetheless I dozed off again and had a dream, one where I'm at a party with my family in Western Australia. Jo and Pegasus and Maxine are there, and little Sparky jumps out from under a bed...

...then the nurse came in and took my blood pressure and temperature. This was the start of a daily checking routine, done about 4-5 times a day. Always my blood pressure was OK, and temperature was "no fever". I fell asleep again and then at 7:20am a nurse came in. She took a blood sample and inserted an I/V drip in my left hand, with a saline solution feeding into it.

Later when I'd watched the end of the video from last night, and Robyn was on the balcony having a smoke, I was updating my diary, and was overcome with emotion. I was in tears, laughing, crying, and feeling INTENSE. Like Robyn told me, words cannot describe the emotions. They were just so strong, so immediate for me.But it wasn't fear -- I wasn't afraid of what was about to happen, just nervous that everything would be OK.

Once again it helped having Robyn with me. She'd been in this territory herself and understood. I'm here because I love myself,, because this is me. Robyn says that only 1 in 5 of us get this far. Wow.

I was starting to feel hungry but couldn't have any food or drink until after surgery. I wrote a few emails that Pim will send. I don't have direct access to the net here, but messages get relayed.

Finally they came for me at 9:30am: the nurses and the porter. I went to the toilet, and said a prayer to Cybele and Hecate at the altar. They put me on the trolley and I was whisked up to the operating theatre. Robyn came as well. She was gowned up and ready to take photos of the surgery for me. Then, perhaps the worst thing of all happened.

I was on the operating table waiting for different preparations when Pim came in saying that there was a problem with my VISA card!

What!? I used a mobile phone to do some international phone banking to try and sort this out. It took a while and I was on the verge of tears and hysteria. To come this far...

...but in the end it was OK.

What had happened was this: I'd obtained a VISA card instead of taking travellers cheques overseas, as I thought it would be safer and easier to use. I'd asked for a credit limit of $10,000 -- I had $16,000 in my bank account ready to pay it. But they'd given me a credit limit of $9,000. Now the cost of the surgery & hospital was just over $9,000 (all figures in $Australia), so when they tried to use the card it'd bounced!

The solution was to put through a smaller amount, and for me to pay it off later and put through the remainder. This worked, for now, and the operation was OK'd to proceed. They tested my blood pressure and I had an epidural drip inserted into my spinal column. I relaxed again and then...

...well I was just unconscious. I'd been given a general anaesthetic via the I/V drip and that was the last I remember until later. Robyn however was there and awake for the whole surgery, and the following is one of the photos she took:

Apparently the operation finished at 4:30pm that day. I was placed, still unconscious, in the Intensive Care Unit. The first think I heard when I awoke was Robyn's voice, coming from somewhere nearby (my eyes were shut) saying: "It's OK Laura, it's alright -- the surgery's all over now." There was a tone in her voice that was at once both happy, concerned and relieved. I was that too, but was too far out-of-things to really know one way or another how I felt.

Except for one thing. Contrary to expectations, I didn't feel any major pain down below -- the epidural was still in effect, but I felt pain in my eyes. They hurt every time I opened them or tried to move them much. This I hadn't expected!

They took me back to my room about 6pm, where I drifted in and out of sleep all night. Gradually the epidural wore off and I could feel the lower part of my body again. The feelings down there were weird -- sort of like electric twitches and shocks. Robyn told me that it was the nerves reconnecting again. Gasp.

Couldn't watch TV or videos too much. I couldn't move my legs much, and couldn't get out of bed. All I could do was listen to the MTV channel sometimes, just lie in silence, or talk to Robyn, and have her hold my hand.

I had symbols taken from my Tarot decks: the 2 and 3 of Cups from the Universal Waite deck; and Strength and the Queen of Wands from the Australian deck. The two represented the combining of male and female together under a higher power; the three a celebration and sharing with friends and lovers; Strength is Cybele's card, Mother Goddess of the transgendered; and the Queen of Wands is my own card, showing me and Pegasus on it (at least in this deck).

Carol gave me a goddess necklace that she had made herself, and I will be wearing this to Thailand. She was witness to my change of name so many years ago (an act I consider to be a first step in this road of change and growth) and I was pleased that she was here for this.

Ang gave me (as always) her friendship, her perspective, and her wisdom, all of which I treasure dearly.

The whole affair lasted 40 minutes. As I was saying to another friend recently, the rite was about choice, making that choice and accepting what that will bring. I needed to share this with others -- I felt the need for a "Rite of Passage" very strongly.

For once though, I feel the future beckon strongly and with promise to me.

I'd been to this event in 1998 with Michelle, who used to live here. I was looking for something. I felt I was going to meet someone here that I needed to meet, but wasn't sure who. I'd advertised the thing on the local pagan and Gothic mailing lists, and was hoping to meet someone off those lists. Now there were heaps of Pagans and Goths there, though it was hard to tell who was pagan from those who'd just dressed up for the event.

The who main street was full of shops and stalls selling anything and everything; jugglers, acrobats and fire-breathers; drummers, buskers and bands, and thousands of people in all manner of clothing and costume.

I was dressed in black, wearing my ankh and army boots. I wandered about a bit, had a little something to eat; bought a book in a bookshop (where I know that if I go in, I won't leave without buying at least one item) and new (and warmer) pantihose. And then I had to withdraw. Like the last time I was there, I was starting to feel a terrible strain. I'm an empath and being alone in the crowd, things come crushing down on me. It wasn't loneliness, it wasn't longing, it was just... ...the crowd.

I had to get away.

I went to the iMax cinema that was just around the road. I saw the matinee feature (Mission Impossible II -- a terrible film about two alpha males fighting) and bugged out for a few hours. It worked. Went I got there I was on the verge of tears, but when it was finished I was feeling OK. It was about 6pm, and went I went back to the main street to see what was to been seen.

Most of the stalls were gone, or packing up. It was getting dark and everything looked so deserted. I had a falafel for tea and wandered around a bit. It didn't feel right to go yet, because I hadn't met whoever it was I was supposed to meet. There was a fortune teller outside a café, and I though for a while it might have been her. But then I met a friend and her boyfriend.

We'd first met back in 1997 at the Eostre (Sahmain) Festival, and last month at the Magic Happens expo where I'd done readings. We were chatting in the street when another friend (whom I'd also met at the Eostre Festival) turned up with her current partner. We went to a café and had coffee and sweets and talked about things, what had happened to each of us and where we were going.

It seems that most of the people I thought I might meet here were actually down at a place called Minto Heights celebrating Yule. No wonder they weren't here. I'd know about that event, but had forgotten about it. The 2nd friend is also a Goth and knows about the nightclubs et cetera. She gave me a lift to Strathfield station and I caught the train home to Newcastle.

I also got invited to a ritual next month, where I should meet more of the people I knew several years ago. I felt really good about this, I felt like I was connecting again. And I felt really good. It was a long trip back and slept through most of it, even missing my station and then having to catch the train back. But I was tired and happy, and when I finally got home and went to sleep (with two dogs and a cat on the top of the bed) I knew that it'd been a good day.