A few people have expressed interest in my Powerpoint presentations about my Palenville Trip and my Tarot Deck, so I've uploaded them to Box.Net.

You will find the links below take you to download pages for...

• Return of the Gallae: Powerpoint (3.5 mb) | PDF version (3.7 mb)
• Trans Tarot Deck: Powerpoint (1.6 mb)

The yahoo horoscope for this week said:

But midweek you may also need to hold a discussion with a view to making an important decision. You may need to get one issue out into the open, but in doing so you will also go a long way towards healing it as well. Venus, your very own planet, moves into Aries, so this will help soothe any ruffled feathers and help to create the best possible outcome of all.

It'd be nice to think that such would be the case. In any case, I'm posting this on Tuesday, just in case. And what I have to say seems to be a big issue to me: loneliness.

Over the weekend I was pretty down with a bout of the flu, and a bout of depression. When that happens I tend to spiral into self destructive thoughts about myself. Not a good thing, and the best thing I can do is just "wait it out". Maybe that's the case now. Maybe. I still have the flu, and the depression seems to be lifting after I was able to draw two more cards for my Honours project.

After my Lavatio contemplation you'd think everything would be "hunky dory", but though I know that the Great Mother goes with me, I still need more human company. One of the ongoing problems that I've had ever since I've moved to Barnsley (back in November, 1997) has been the sense of isolation that I've felt here. I knew the minute I saw this house (Rainbow Haven - I have this written in concrete in the driveway) that this was the right one to buy. There was however one other contender, in Islington.

That place was a block away from Hamilton Railway Station and both Beaumont St & Maitland Rd; not far from Newcastle TAFE as well. It had four bedrooms, and extra rooms as well, and a huge kitchen - but a backyard just big enough to put a rotary clothes hoist, and that was it. Also, it backed on to the railway line. If I'd bought that place there would have been no ducks, and I don't know just how long the cats would have lasted. It wasn't until I went to the Palenville Phrygianum that I understood just why I needed a big backyard.

Thee Maetreum at Palenville has maybe 20,000 square metres that goes with it (and 20+ bedrooms). I have 4 bedrooms and a 1,000 square metre block - 10 x 100 metres deep. I knew while I was still in Palenville what I needed to do when I got back, and that was to create a Temple of Cybele here. Can't create a large Phrygianum (a gallae group home), with just 4 bedrooms, but I can create a Maetreum. I waited on this, as much as possible. I know it's the right thing for me to do, but I wanted time to think it over. At first, it only seemed silly to suggest the idea.

Couldn't do this in Islington, with no backyard. This is a permanent installation I'm thinking of, not just an area where "one casts a circle" and later closes it -- I already have one of those. There is a middle patch of lawn that I play ball with Pegasus on. Some years ago I dug two shallow circular ditches (one inner, one outer) and filled them with bricks. It took three carloads of bricks to fill, and I also have flagstones at each cardinal point and at the centre. Some of my ducks are buried under those flagstones. But I seldom use this circle, and have let the grass grow over it.

No, it was clear to me just where the Temple (open air) would go - just above this, with a circle of benches indicating just where it is, with three entrances/exits (and perhaps surrounded by tall thin bushes). Further up, near the back fence and within the grove of trees that grows there, will be a small retreat. The image of this is burnt vividly upon my mind's eye. I know this will happen, but I also know that I can't do this just by myself.

A Temple is more than just architecture and placement. It has to be used and maintained. There was a quality present at the one in Palenville, a very distinct aura that pervaded it during rituals and at night, and I think that comes from dedication. Such dedication needs a number of things, but most of all I think, I need a helper. Someone who has the same faith as me, living here as well. I have the space - I have two spare rooms available.

Last year I was desperate to get in a boarder, but towards the end of the year I was relieved that I hadn't. Now I know why - it has to be the right person. By myself I'm just not stable enough to see this through. Oh, it'll happen, but not as well as when two are involved.

And that's been on my mind ever since I returned from Palenville.

You see, I haven't a notion on how to do this, how to find that person. If I pull Tarot or Oracle Cards for myself, they keep on saying "soul mate" or referring to a "companion". It's just frustrating, more than reassuring. I know that I have to go out and find them - they won't just turn up if I sit here and wait for them. And it scares me too, if I find them.

Been pretty much a hermit here at Rainbow Haven. I had a couple of boarders, but they just showed me how not to share with someone else. Having company means a lot of changes. Some good, some -- well adjustments will have to be made. But it's time, I feel that I'm "overdue" for this to happen, just like I felt I was "overdue" to leave Perth, and to go have surgery. It's time.

So where are they?

What if, I just don't recognise them at all? What if? When I was ill on the weekend, I consulted the Oracle Cards and the Karma cards. They said:

But just what did it mean? It all seems to hinge around yielding and sacrifice. Maybe I really do need to forgive myself too, even for things that probably weren't "my fault" anyway. I'm my own worst critic at times. And Sahmain is (among other things) about: transformation; release; dissolving boundaries; and surrender.

But I still feel like I'm walking in the dark, relying on Mother's hand to guide me here. So be it. I don't know what I'm going to do to make this happen, only that it will.

I had symbols taken from my Tarot decks: the 2 and 3 of Cups from the Universal Waite deck; and Strength and the Queen of Wands from the Australian deck. The two represented the combining of male and female together under a higher power; the three a celebration and sharing with friends and lovers; Strength is Cybele's card, Mother Goddess of the transgendered; and the Queen of Wands is my own card, showing me and Pegasus on it (at least in this deck).

Carol gave me a goddess necklace that she had made herself, and I will be wearing this to Thailand. She was witness to my change of name so many years ago (an act I consider to be a first step in this road of change and growth) and I was pleased that she was here for this.

Ang gave me (as always) her friendship, her perspective, and her wisdom, all of which I treasure dearly.

The whole affair lasted 40 minutes. As I was saying to another friend recently, the rite was about choice, making that choice and accepting what that will bring. I needed to share this with others -- I felt the need for a "Rite of Passage" very strongly.

For once though, I feel the future beckon strongly and with promise to me.