It was Winter Solstice down here today.

It was cold and wet, and apart from walking Pegasus in the morning, neither of us went out much all day. I had planned to do another tarot card today, or even another page of my web comic, but instead ended up under a blanket on the sofa, watching videos and DVDs.

Tonight, I went food shopping. Considering that I've been mostly broke for the last month (and was watching my food most carefully in the last few days) this was a relief. Tomorrow I plan to eat at an Asian food all-you-can-eat - I guess that'll be a Yule feast of sorts.

Funny, been down a lot lately, though I seem to be coming out of that as well. So today I guess, I just give thanks for still being here, and that myself and my pets are all safe, fed and well.

That was short, wasn't it?

It's the Winter Solstice here at Barnsley, like the radio announcer constantly reminded us, the shortest day of the year. And here I am considering what it means to me. I think this time, it has to be about "re-birth". There are a number of reasons why this should be so.

This year around, where I live has had more rain in the late Autumn, even though most of New South Wales is still on a drought footing. This has been good on a whole, but has had other effects. Maybe it's been this, but whatever caused it, this Winter seems a lot colder than the last few. Winter Solstice is that turning point, where the days start to get longer again, and the rejoicing of Yule reflects a knowledge of this.

I'm going to light the lounge room stove tonight -- it's cold enough for it.

Despite doing what I know I should be doing, it has been a hard slog, for all the wrong reasons. Doing my Honours has been even more unstructured than when I was doing my Bachelors. Because I'm doing this part time (a good decision considering) my real deadlines are all at the END of NEXT YEAR. I have made a proper start on my "Transsexual Tarot Deck", but maintaining that momentum is often hard to do. I get distracted easily.

Also, I have been feeling the money pinch more. Living on a disability allowance, and paying off a mortgage (even a very low, long term one) can be difficult at times. When there are difficulties with my car, and the drains need fixing, and it'd be good to clear out the backyard so I can start growing my own food, I know that I get forced to cut back to essentials only.

To help with this, I've started doing Tarot readings at a local bookshop. And I know too, that this is the RIGHT shop, that I'm meant to be there, doing just this (and I've long known that this would come). But it's only a start - I have a trickle of clients so far, but I must stick with it and be consistent as well. I've long sorted out the ethics of reading for money -- it fits in with being a Gallae (fortunes were one of our specialities) and I know that by doing so I reach more people than if I did it for free.

The key, which still hangs, and hung at the last festival, is that I still do not have a boarder. I know, just like I knew about the shop, that this will come and it will be right. But the waiting, which I must, drives me crazy.

At the very least I've needed someone to house-sit for me while I go to Perth for a week for a student conference next month (or else I'm not going). I do have someone who'll do this, but due to communication stuff-ups it's still not properly organised. I know I need that trip, to see my family, and to go to Queer Collaborations one last time. I went to QC twice before - one OK, and one not OK at all (I ended up suffering from Panic Attacks). But here is a last opportunity to contribute, and to share, with other students in this way.

I know it WILL happen - I can see myself standing in a lecture hall at W.A. University, giving a talk about alternative spirituality. I can see myself staying at my Mother's, and visiting my Father in the nursing home. But the wait, and uncertainty, drives me nuts. And after not going to the "Festival of the Tree" earlier this year in the U.S.A., I need to go to this event at least.

Waiting always has, but maybe this time it'll be worth it.

I almost didn't do a musing this time around. Back at the last Sahmain, both my computers were two days dead (one has been semi-resurrected since then), a friend was suicidal and my car was a few days away from major complications.

And it's been six weeks since then. In the mean time I've been both broke and suicidal (craft knives are the best aren't they?). I've let go of an "ICQ romance" and written to my dying father. I've missed what seemed important dates (local Goth clubs, rituals and Church gigs) for lack of money or transport. I've been effectively off the net until now, but I'm also off my anti-depressants too (maybe for good).

Things could have been better. Things could have been worse. I still have my house, my pets, most of my health and sometimes my sanity. Help came in unexpected ways, as did fun too. And I've made new friends and contacts at places like "The Octapod" and elsewhere.

And maybe there's been something stubborn in my character that resists change, and it takes a lot to force me to accept it, even if such change is for the better. Last Monday I got a "job card" from Centrelink and am considering rehabilitation. Yesterday I went to budget counselling, which showed that on average I lose $20 a fortnight. I could have told them that, but somehow I need to turn this around, to get back out of the hole.

Ah, life. Tough sometimes, but it'd be boring otherwise. And tonight is so cold. Into bed by 9pm with cats and dog huddled on top. The shortest day of the year was also the coldest.

And maybe this time around, who cares what the "meaning" of the Winter Solstice "really" is. Maybe this time around it's time to give thanks not for where I've been, but for where I am, and where I might go.

How's that for some musings. Shortest yet.

I'd been to this event in 1998 with Michelle, who used to live here. I was looking for something. I felt I was going to meet someone here that I needed to meet, but wasn't sure who. I'd advertised the thing on the local pagan and Gothic mailing lists, and was hoping to meet someone off those lists. Now there were heaps of Pagans and Goths there, though it was hard to tell who was pagan from those who'd just dressed up for the event.

The who main street was full of shops and stalls selling anything and everything; jugglers, acrobats and fire-breathers; drummers, buskers and bands, and thousands of people in all manner of clothing and costume.

I was dressed in black, wearing my ankh and army boots. I wandered about a bit, had a little something to eat; bought a book in a bookshop (where I know that if I go in, I won't leave without buying at least one item) and new (and warmer) pantihose. And then I had to withdraw. Like the last time I was there, I was starting to feel a terrible strain. I'm an empath and being alone in the crowd, things come crushing down on me. It wasn't loneliness, it wasn't longing, it was just... ...the crowd.

I had to get away.

I went to the iMax cinema that was just around the road. I saw the matinee feature (Mission Impossible II -- a terrible film about two alpha males fighting) and bugged out for a few hours. It worked. Went I got there I was on the verge of tears, but when it was finished I was feeling OK. It was about 6pm, and went I went back to the main street to see what was to been seen.

Most of the stalls were gone, or packing up. It was getting dark and everything looked so deserted. I had a falafel for tea and wandered around a bit. It didn't feel right to go yet, because I hadn't met whoever it was I was supposed to meet. There was a fortune teller outside a café, and I though for a while it might have been her. But then I met a friend and her boyfriend.

We'd first met back in 1997 at the Eostre (Sahmain) Festival, and last month at the Magic Happens expo where I'd done readings. We were chatting in the street when another friend (whom I'd also met at the Eostre Festival) turned up with her current partner. We went to a café and had coffee and sweets and talked about things, what had happened to each of us and where we were going.

It seems that most of the people I thought I might meet here were actually down at a place called Minto Heights celebrating Yule. No wonder they weren't here. I'd know about that event, but had forgotten about it. The 2nd friend is also a Goth and knows about the nightclubs et cetera. She gave me a lift to Strathfield station and I caught the train home to Newcastle.

I also got invited to a ritual next month, where I should meet more of the people I knew several years ago. I felt really good about this, I felt like I was connecting again. And I felt really good. It was a long trip back and slept through most of it, even missing my station and then having to catch the train back. But I was tired and happy, and when I finally got home and went to sleep (with two dogs and a cat on the top of the bed) I knew that it'd been a good day.